Today is the day that I have been dreading for a few months. Today is the day that I had to say goodbye to my cat. My cat is old, eighteen years old and suffers from kidney disease and hypothyroid. She was diagnosed over a year ago. Since summer, she has lost more weight, she normally was a small thin girl. But she lost muscle tone. Since Labor day, she started to have accidents, not being able to get to the litter box or not knowing where the bathroom really is. Over the summer, I would find full size wastes in the livingroom. She had an accident on our trip to New England, where she could not control her bladder nor her hold her defecation. I drove for 2 hours with her a mess and smelling to high heaven.
Since then, her deterioration has been rapid. As of late, I have been worried that she will enter a coma or die at home. She has been able to make it to newspaper and most times to the litter box. She had been cracking teeth and eating started to be difficult, until it came to fish or some food that she loved. This weekend, eating was more sparse. She would drink her food but eating was becoming harder. Her gait had become more difficult and this weekend, she could only walk a few steps. She would walk or try to walk. As of late, I had to place boxes so she could boost herself to the computer chair and to get into bed. She spent most of her day sleeping on the chair, on the couch or on my bed. I would have to take her bed when i went or she would spent all night on the couch.
I spent all night with her and tried to spend rosh hashanah and Yom Kippur with her. I would spend nights with her. She would get on the couch and put her head on my lap. This is behavior that she had taken to doing in the last months. She never was a lap cat and now she wouldnt leave my lap. I had to pick her up so i could go in the bathroom.
I knew that I would not let her legs fail her or carry her around and I would not let hr suffer. Last night or this morning, I wrestled with what to do and if the time was right. I called the vet at 10am and by 1015 i was on my way. There was no treatment for her. I knew that but I wanted to plan with my vet. My vet congratulated for me for being proactive and saving her pain. I asked him If i waited too long. He said that I was a responsible cat owner who knew when to bring her in. I have no guilt just grief.
I wasnt quite prepared for this but I knew this morning that I may not take her home. I have cancelled my automatic delivery of food last months and after I came home, I returned the case and 1/2 that I had left. I returned some litter that I recently bought and maybe I can find the receive for the rest of the little. I was using a ton of litter, changing her little often.
MY cat had food allergies so I had specialized food which cost 80.00 a month. I will be saving that money. My cat loved Tuna and it make her sick so for years, i never ate tuna fish at home, only out or at work. I can now eat tuna, or yogurt or shrimp or haddock and not have my cat's head in my plate. My father can eat butter and she will not bother him.
Whoopi loved going to Massachusetts and was there with me in September, she got into bed my parents, didnt have any accidents but could not get to all the windows. Since then she was getting worse. She was thin but now was very emaciated. She no longer got me up to feed her in the morning and most mornings didnt know I left her new food. She would get there eventually. This week, I took her to her food and she ate little of that. I would add lots of water and she would drink it. She would drink some water from a bowl in the bathroom. No longer could she get into the tub to drink her water. She no longer knocked her bowl over. Some days she could contort herself to clean herself but most days I had to wash her butt, tail and back legs to clean the defecation. I just considered it smelly butt and cleaned her up.
My friend Marianne told me to take pictures and I have been trying to for the last few weeks. Whoopi has never been very cooperative with photos. I even took some more this morning before I took her in
I know that I will search for her for months to come. I will miss her purring, feel her in bed, feel her behind me on the computer chair and continue to hear her. I can stop worrying about her. I can stop worrying if she will die while I am at work. I can stop worrying about her having accidents or where I will find her shit on the carpets. I can stop worrying about travelling or staying home, being home with her.
There are lots of things about her I will miss but I wont miss her messes.
I never had a pet before and when this cat came into my life, she acted like all the abused and neglected children I worked with, My late nights and time away, made her anxious or she acquired food allergies. Her Doctor and I started her on specialized food but she loved Thanksgiving turkey and Dairy Queen cake. She always got that cake. Over the years, she would hide at thanksgiving and as during the last two years, she was bold and sat under the table. This year, she will not be there at thanksgiving.
She played a game with my dad where she would not look at him while he patted her but move her tail back and forth so he would catch her tail. Like hide and seek. She continued to play that with me up through the middle of the night. During the last month, she would not get up at night and mostly just slept in one spot. I would get up and have to move her. I would carry her football style and she never purred or growled, she relented. She slept til I put her in the carrier and she didnt cry or fuss as she usually does. She was almost oblivious to the fact she was outside.
It was time for her to go and I let her go today. I am sad and mostly due to lack of sleep and lack of coffee, I have a headache. I packed up her stuff and tried to have a day to myself. I couldnt think of where to go and what to do. I came back home and picked up the clothes where whoopi slept and washed them. None of them have cat smell just cat hair....lots of cat hair.
I will be able to pick up her ashes in a few weeks . i asked for no rainbow bridge or no fanfare. I paid for a private cremation. My regular vet, Dr B Sr was there and he would take her down before he left for a conference. He was not his usual harsh self but reassuring and we talked of guilt. I wanted more time with her but that was selfish. I wished her no pain and knew that she would continue to deteriorate. I held her and left her in a cage in the back. I kept checking on her and she was standing looking at me as i went to sign the forms. I continued to check on her and she looked at with her sullen eyes, sometimes they were vacant. i packed her carrier and left.
