Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Capricorn Horoscope for week of September 1, 2005

Capricorn Horoscope for week of September 1, 2005

Verticle Oracle card Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
There's a connection between Al Qaeda and actor Kevin Bacon, according to Tatsuya Ishida at Al Qaeda was trained by the CIA, he says, which was established by President Harry Truman, who dropped the atom bomb which was cooked up by the Manhattan Project, which was the name of a movie starring John Lithgow, who was in the film "Footloose" with Kevin Bacon. I invite you to make liberal use of this kind of logic in the coming days, Capricorn. The astrological omens say it will be healthy for you to let your imagination run away with you as long as you don't take as gospel truth all the conclusions it leads you to. So please feel free to ramble down the fine line between creative storytelling and total BS.

yeah for me

i figured out HOW TO SHOWER without getting my bandages wet... i even washed my hair..
i remembered how to do it with one good wing from the last time i was in a sling..

i am clean, and fresh and smelling really good.. OKAY better than i was smelling..

i am wearing the sleeveless shirt that DAR gave me a falcon ridge.. it is the perfect present for this sling wearing arm in 85 degree weather...

dar you rock.......

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Modern, Cool Nerd
82 % Nerd, 78% Geek, 47% Dork
For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd and Geek, earning you the title of: Modern, Cool Nerd.

Nerds didn't use to be cool, but in the 90's that all changed. It used to be that, if you were a computer expert, you had to wear plaid or a pocket protector or suspenders or something that announced to the world that you couldn't quite fit in. Not anymore. Now, the intelligent and geeky have eked out for themselves a modicum of respect at the very least, and "geek is chic." The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the one you want as your lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks)!


My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 86% on nerdiness

You scored higher than 94% on geekosity

You scored higher than 80% on dork points

post surgery

its been an amazing 24 hours, seeing i didnt have to be at the hospital til 130, i took the opportunity to do stuff that will require two arms and i then went to the post office and finally to the hosptial. i was light headed but i walked to the slope for something to do..
by the time i got there, my clothes were wet with sweat and i was sticky. I
was glad to check in and get out of my clothes-
they were still wet at 830 when i got them back. ( there is nothing worse than a sticky damp bra and shorts)

the nurses were surprised that i was smiling and in good spirits, that was until i found out that that i wouldnt be seen til 330pm-

the nurses put me in room with at TV til this nurse came in and asked if i was Okay.. i was tired and bored and she put me in a room with a recliner, she put me in a recovery room and i was afraid they would forget me. I checked with her periodically and she had a killer sense of humor so i could joke with her. my hot flashes and hers were a topic of discussion and how stress elevates them..

but actually, i watched Oprah til they called me... I watched CNN and the hurricaine most of 48 hours, and the devastation and destruction is beyond what i can imagine.. so as i waited and waited with my lack of coffee the time i was called, i was anxious to get it over it..

i waited for my chariot or carriage pulled by snow white horses to take me to the OR... as i could walk..i walked over the OR...I asked my Russian attendant if he could yell" dead man walking" but he didnt have a sense of humor.. I met with my doctor and the anestiologist and i was good to go... my anxiety was relieved at this time
my doctor looks like IRwin corey, the absent minded professor or like einstein but he is sooo good at his craft.. the other staff were great and they led me to the Operating room. at cabrini i was out by the time, they wheeled me in.. at methodist, i walked in...and put my arm out to be smeared with yellow antiseptic..

i remember talking about the needle sticks and the anestiologist told me about the drug addicts who scream when the IV is being inserted..I saw my xrays and was really awake in the operating room.... they woke me up to show me the hardware, and to give me some morphine..and off to recovery.. ( i know i dreamed and i was out in a fitful sleep)

i overheard the woman across the dorm room being told that she had both ovaries removed in her exploratory surgery due to Ovarian Cancer.. all i could muster was "im sorry" from my dull state..It didnt matter to her that i was sorry and it shouldnt...

i never slept and actually didnt sleep last night..i came in at 930 after stopping at the store to get a sprite and diet ice tea..i stayed up and watched TV most of the night, snippets of Iron Chef, battle Eggplant, and CNN...aaron brown late night....and more destruction from the hurricaine..and aftermath- i dozed off and got up and checkd my email and ate everything i could get my hands on... and napped more..

the morphine and the local in my arm has worn off andnow i have a swollen wing that needs to be in a sling....i have some strong pain killers and plan to zonk out later.. til then its tylenol..PM

i have been up most of the day, i am groggy and tired and napped for about an hour. i went to the store a few times and moved my car for alternate side of street parking. I tried to go for a walk but my body refuses to do what my head wants to do.. its hot and sticky and muggy and i want to sleep again but my mind wont give in..

i have to take sponge baths and i smell pretty badly.. a friend recently talk with me about the smell of perspiration based on hormones..i really smell pretty badly. i want to do so many things and cant get my butt off the couch... i cant really read the paper..

i dont want to think about work...

my arm is swollen and hurts..i dont want to wear the sling around the house but the doctor told me to wear it.. maybe there was a reason.. i guess i should elevate my arm..and kepp it in the sling..

i am dehydrated and puffy... but the operation was successful and the hardware is out

i consider myself fortunate..

Monday, August 29, 2005

last night

i went to sleep after my favorite Iron Chef Mario Batali lost to Anita Lou. I had seen battle mushroom before but forgot who won. It was strange not having 6 feet under to watch on sunday nights.

i woke about every two hours. I took two calm's forte but no tylenol PM. with each waking about every two or three hours. I refused to get out of bed, I just rolled over and went back to bed. I had the TV on so i was getting updates on Hurricaine Katrina.

I dreamed that i ate a load of salmon after the designated period of time that i was allowed to eat. Midnight for me last night or at least 8 hours before my surgery.
i dreamed about the hurricaine.

I got up this morning finally about 9 am... i cant have food or water. I am baking tofu and roasting chickpeas

i callled my doctor's office about my congestion and no one can give me an answer. Their response is that they are not doctors and neither and i am. All i can do is go there and see if they cancel me due to congestion. I took a claritin last night and my nose is more open..

my body is still tired and drained. I dont want to be postponed but i want to report to the doctors accurate information. the Doctor's office told me to call and rescheduled if i am postponed.. I told them i could not make the decision, only the doctors at the hospital could..

so i will shower and shave and walk over later.

i have been watch the impact of the hurricaine most of the morning and its a scary and trecherous and dangerous storm ...

Sunday, August 28, 2005

the last few hours

i have done alot of things that i can do that require two arms.. I will be in a sling for a while and not able to use my left arm so i mopped as many floors as i could, carried shopping bags and ate dinner..

i took suzi's suggestion and ate salad with extra salmon and olive oil and dressing to add fat to my diet.. I will not be able to eat again til after surgery.

I cannot eat after midnight, not even a sip of water, I cannot drink or eat til after the surgery.. I am still congested but took a claritin and i am less congested

all systems are go at this point. I cannot have coffee or even drink water tomorrow til
after the surgery.. I will get up and putter around and feed the cat and make sure dave has my car keys.. I will walk to the hospital and i have to go to the postoffice. I may do that first and come home and shower.
i want to wash my hair and shave...

doing those things will be hard once my arm is wrapped and bandaged.. I may vacume the carpets... to day i am just too tired..

i can baked tofu, and roast chickpeas and steam green beans..

i have to be at the hosptial at 130 and plan to leave about noon...

i want to be able to sleep through the night and i want to be able to sleep and not wake up .. the air conditioner is on..

i anticipate that i will be dehydrated so i have sodas on tap and plenty of water and ice tea and juice for when i come home

i have fudge bars and wanted them last time when i woke up..

i plan to feed the cat and go back to sleep and keep sleeping til tuesday sometime
and get up and have coffee...and food..

Saturday, August 27, 2005

all the news that you need to laugh,

People cant be that funny

aint you glad FOLK aint metal

Sharon Osbourne Admits Role In Iron Maiden Sabotage
Posted By Grimmy Acosta on 08.27.05

Gives a new meaning to that whole Unplugged vibe

In a statement released Thursday night, Ozzfest organizer Sharon Osbourne admitted a role in the incident that marred Iron Maiden's August 20 tour performance in Devore, Calif. -- specifically, that she cut off the band's sound on several occasions.

Iron Maiden also was pelted with eggs and debris from the front of the pavilion during its performance, which was its last on the festival's tour. Osbourne did not take responsibility for those actions.

She previously claimed that Iron Maiden singer Bruce Dickinson repeatedly disrespected her husband Ozzy during the tour, and that other Iron Maiden members were ashamed of Dickinson's behavior.

In her new statement, which doubles as an open letter to Maiden manager Rod Smallwood, she said, "For 20 shows we were forced to hear Dickinson's nightly outbursts from the stage: 'When we come back to America, we'll be back with a proper sound system' or 'We won't be playing the same old songs every night (like (Black) Sabbath),' 'We don't need a teleprompter (like Ozzy)' and 'We don't need a reality show to be legit (again, like Ozzy)."'

Sharon Osbourne explained cutting Maiden's power in part by saying, "Was Dickinson so naive to think that I was going to let him get away with talking s**t about my family night after night? I don't think he realizes who he's dealing with." She signed the letter as the "real Iron Maiden."

credit to: Reuters/Billboard

Friday, August 26, 2005

Iowa man steals leg

DES MOINES, Iowa Aug 26, 2005 — A man test-fitting a $17,000 artificial leg ran off without paying the bill, police said. Spectrum Prosthetics and Orthotics reported the theft of the specially designed leg this week.

Police said the crime happened after the man came in on Aug. 19 to be fitted for the prosthetic.

He "was allowed to take it for a couple hours to ensure that the fit was proper," a police report said.
Top Stories

Sgt. David Murillo said the man didn't come back.

Todd Schweizer, one of the owners of the company, said employees had been working with the man for about a week.

"We were trying to meet his needs," Schweizer said.

The store was left with a cellular telephone number, but no one answers, said Detective Robert Lewis. There also was no answer at the door at an address left by the man.

Lewis said employees may have believed the man was coming back, and that's why they waited five days to report the theft.

wal mart is dangerous to your health

1. After an incident at Wal-Mart on U.S. Route 23, Lewis Center, James A. Workman, 20, of Columbus, was charged with drug abuse and possession of drug paraphernalia.

2. Wal-Mart Employee Accused Of Molesting Child In Store
Houston Police Believe There May Be More Victims
HOUSTON -- A man was arrested and charged with sexually assaulting a child at the Wal-Mart where he worked, Local 2 reported Friday.
Investigators said Amilcar Dagobert Henriguez, 59, was working at Wal-Mart, 150 El Dorado Blvd., Thursday when he molested a 13-year-old boy in the store's restroom.
Henriguez grabbed the child while he was in the bathroom and forced him into a stall, where he was sexually assaulted, police said.
The boy told his mother immediately, who alerted authorities.
Officers identified the suspect through the store's surveillance video.
After he was arrested at the store without incident, Henriguez confessed to the crime, according to investigators.
He is charged with aggravated sexual assault of a child.

3.Women, children at their side, allegedly attempted to steal large number of items

Theresa Gardner
Press-Herald Staff
An early start on Christmas shopping led to the arrests of three Monroe women in Minden on Tuesday.
Minden police responded to a security call from the Wal-Mart Super Center on Homer Road around 10 p.m. Tuesday. Security observed three women as they allegedly negotiated checks from two closed bank accounts.
Kymekha Shevette Butler, 26, of the 2000 block of Barrington St., Lashaundalyn Renee Whitlock, 18, and Quashaundra L. Whitlock, both of the 100 block of Cedar Crest in Monroe, were observed making large purchases at several registers. The security officer called Minden officers who quickly arrived in time to witness the shoppers putting the items into their vehicles.
Purchases made included Christmas items, toys, clothes and a computer.
According to Minden Police Chief T.C. Bloxom, the women have a lengthy history of this type of crime.
“What made matters worse was the fact that these women had four small children with them at the time of the thefts,” Bloxom said. “It was late and the children were tired. They then had to wait at the police station until their grandmothers came for them.”
Bloxom said the children’s ages ranged from two months to five years.
Bloxom said evidence was found in the suspects’ vehicle indicating that they had committed simular shopping sprees from Monroe to Minden.
The three suspects face charges of felony theft by fraud, conspiracy to commit theft by fraud and four counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

4.Security at Wal-Mart, Sunrise Mall reported that Naima Salaam, 32, a cashier at Wal-Mart, Sunrise Mall, took two credit cards from two victims noon, December 7 and failed to return them. She then made transactions with the cards, total loss yet to be determined. Salaam was arrested.

5.. Forgery: Atheries Mann, 44, Chicago; 1:48 p.m. at Wal-Mart, 776 S. Route 59; charged with forgery; and Ronald J. Hood, 44, West Chicago; charged with resisting a police officer and possession of drug paraphernalia; also wanted on a warrant.

6.FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. -- A Wal-Mart employee was shot and killed on the job Tuesday night.
Roger Handon, 30, was stocking the shelves at the Wal-Mart on Raeford Road in Fayetteville at about 11 p.m. when he got in an argument with a man that ended in gunfire, authorities said.
Handon was taken to Cape Fear Valley Medical Center, where he was pronounced dead shortly after midnight Wednesday.
Fey Handon learned early Wednesday that her son had been killed.
"His wife called me and said, 'I think Roger is dead. They said he was dead,'" Handon said. "It shocked me. I just started hollering. I didn't want to beleive it."
Cumberland County authorities arrested 27-year-old Johnathon Seymore, of Raeford, and charged him with first-degree murder after he allegedly confessed to the crime.
Investigators said the Handon and Seymore knew each other and the argument may have been domestic-related.
"The victim was shot over where his car was parked over by the employee parking," said Debbie Tanna, spokeswoman for the Cumberland County Sheriff's Office. "There was evidence that he tried to go back into the store but never made it."
Authorities said Seymore fired several shots, which were witnessed by nearly a dozen people and recorded by Wal-Mart's security cameras.
Seymore is being held without bond at the Cumberland County Detention Center.
al-Mart issued the following statement regarding Handon's death:
"We are saddened by the death of our associate. Our thoughts and prayers are with the family in this time of grief. He was a valued associate, and well liked by all at the store."
Meanwhile, Fey Handon would like to know what prompted her son's slaying.
"I just don't know why that man shot my son," she said. "Why did you want to kill my sonW? Did you have that much death in you? I want to know why."

Thursday, August 25, 2005

disconnect and connections....

i went for a walk today and it hit me... its become really clear that the manner i approach people and how i have chose to live my life is indisconnect with the people on my job and WHO i have to be at work and HOW i have to be ....
it just isnt matching... maybe that is why i am not happy


i was talking to a friend on sunday and telling her that when i was applying to college my dad had just made a job change and how he was working a minimum wage job with two kids going to college.. My dad was brave to change but it caused me to go to a state school
i also went to state school because my HS guidance counsellor told me my SAT scores werent good enough for Brandeis.. I was a teen activist with B'nai B'rith and had lots of extracurricula activities and taught a preschool class but my scores werent good for private school... so i was told

i didnt know any better so i took a shot and applied to salem state and fitchburg state as a back up school. i wanted to study social work but at brandeis i wanted to study Jewish Communal services. I probably would have ended up working in a JCC somewhere. I was telling my firend that i would have been a youth group leader

i went to salem state and got turned on to child welfare. The program at salem allowed me to get my BSW because the program was accredited my sophmore year.. That allowed me to get a one year MSW..
i got into NYU and two days before i was to come.. i had no place to live
within an hour of calling NYU, they found an apartment for me....

i was in NYC... before i knew it.. I was in child welfare

when i was at st josephs and needed to leave before they left me.... My Job at CMS came through...

i was telling my friend that the path always appeared for me when i needed it...

the road was purposeful and i always got what i have needed or what has led me to the next thing..

my work life has unfolded inspite of me

and i trust... it will happen again....just when i need it the most

NYC scenes

i saw two kids today with teeshirts.. they were about 13
one had spamalot teeshirt
and the other had a teeshirt that said
"friends dont let friends wear mullets"
only in NYC....

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

The Unfeeling President

GUESTWORDS: By E.L. Doctorow

The Unfeeling President

I fault this president for not knowing what death is. He does not suffer the death of our 21-year-olds who wanted to be what they could be. On the eve of D-Day in 1944 General Eisenhower prayed to God for the lives of the young soldiers he knew were going to die. He knew what death was. Even in a justifiable war, a war not of choice but of necessity, a war of survival, the cost was almost more than Eisenhower could bear.
But this president does not know what death is. He hasn’t the mind for it. You see him joking with the press, peering under the table for the weapons of mass destruction he can’t seem to find, you see him at rallies strutting up to the stage in shirt sleeves to the roar of the carefully screened crowd, smiling and waving, triumphal, a he-man.

He does not mourn. He doesn’t understand why he should mourn. He is satisfied during the course of a speech written for him to look solemn for a moment and speak of the brave young Americans who made the ultimate sacrifice for their country.

But you study him, you look into his eyes and know he dissembles an emotion which he does not feel in the depths of his being because he has no capacity for it. He does not feel a personal responsibility for the 1,000 dead young men and women who wanted to be what they could be.

They come to his desk not as youngsters with mothers and fathers or wives and children who will suffer to the end of their days a terribly torn fabric of familial relationships and the inconsolable remembrance of aborted life . . . they come to his desk as a political liability, which is why the press is not permitted to photograph the arrival of their coffins from Iraq.

How then can he mourn? To mourn is to express regret and he regrets nothing. He does not regret that his reason for going to war was, as he knew, unsubstantiated by the facts. He does not regret that his bungled plan for the war’s aftermath has made of his mission-accomplished a disaster. He does not regret that, rather than controlling terrorism, his war in Iraq has licensed it. So he never mourns for the dead and crippled youngsters who have fought this war of his choice.

He wanted to go to war and he did. He had not the mind to perceive the costs of war, or to listen to those who knew those costs. He did not understand that you do not go to war when it is one of the options but when it is the only option; you go not because you want to but because you have to.

Yet this president knew it would be difficult for Americans not to cheer the overthrow of a foreign dictator. He knew that much. This president and his supporters would seem to have a mind for only one thing — to take power, to remain in power, and to use that power for the sake of themselves and their friends.

A war will do that as well as anything. You become a wartime leader. The country gets behind you. Dissent becomes inappropriate. And so he does not drop to his knees, he is not contrite, he does not sit in the church with the grieving parents and wives and children. He is the president who does not feel. He does not feel for the families of the dead, he does not feel for the 35 million of us who live in poverty, he does not feel for the 40 percent who cannot afford health insurance, he does not feel for the miners whose lungs are turning black or for the working people he has deprived of the chance to work overtime at time-and-a-half to pay their bills - it is amazing for how many people in this country this president does not feel.

But he will dissemble feeling. He will say in all sincerity he is relieving the wealthiest 1 percent of the population of their tax burden for the sake of the rest of us, and that he is polluting the air we breathe for the sake of our economy, and that he is decreasing the quality of air in coal mines to save the coal miners’ jobs, and that he is depriving workers of their time-and-a-half benefits for overtime because this is actually a way to honor them by raising them into the professional class.

And this litany of lies he will versify with reverences for God and the flag and democracy, when just what he and his party are doing to our democracy is choking the life out of it.

But there is one more terribly sad thing about all of this. I remember the millions of people here and around the world who marched against the war. It was extraordinary, that spontaneous aroused oversoul of alarm and protest that transcended national borders. Why did it happen? After all, this was not the only war anyone had ever seen coming. There are little wars all over he world most of the time.

But the cry of protest was the appalled understanding of millions of people that America was ceding its role as the last best hope of mankind. It was their perception that the classic archetype of democracy was morphing into a rogue nation. The greatest democratic republic in history was turning its back on the future, using its extraordinary power and standing not to advance the ideal of a concordance of civilizations but to endorse the kind of tribal combat that originated with the Neanderthals, a people, now extinct, who could imagine ensuring their survival by no other means than pre-emptive war.

The president we get is the country we get. With each president the nation is conformed spiritually. He is the artificer of our malleable national soul. He proposes not only the laws but the kinds of lawlessness that govern our lives and invoke our responses. The people he appoints are cast in his image. The trouble they get into and get us into, is his characteristic trouble.

Finally, the media amplify his character into our moral weather report. He becomes the face of our sky, the conditions that prevail. How can we sustain ourselves as the United States of America given the stupid and ineffective warmaking, the constitutionally insensitive lawgiving, and the monarchal economics of this president? He cannot mourn but is a figure of such moral vacancy as to make us mourn for ourselves.

written 9.9.04 for the east hampton star

Capricorn Horoscope for week of August 25, 2005

Capricorn Horoscope for week of August 25, 2005

Verticle Oracle card Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Let's discuss the differences between dumb, unproductive pain and smart, useful pain. The former is the kind you keep being drawn back to out of habit. It's familiar, and therefore perversely comfortable. The latter is the kind of pain that surprises you with valuable teachings and inspires you to see the world with new eyes. While stupid pain is often born of fear, wise pain is stirred up by love. The dumb, unproductive stuff comes from allowing yourself to be controlled by your early conditioning and from doing things that are out of harmony with your essence. The smart, useful variety arises out of a willingness to live passionately and with a sense of adventure. Can you guess which type I'm urging you to gravitate toward right now, Capricorn?

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Christopher Paolini is an asshole and barnes and noble sucks

my catsitter asked me to go to the paolini book release abd signing for his second book Eldest at the Barnes and Noble at 14th street. on saturday, i walked in to check out the scene and ask questions about the signing..

i went there today, bought the book, got a wristband that entitled me to a seat. I took a seat in the 5th row and i waited.. The book reader Gregory Doyle read and then the author Christopher Paolini took the stage. He is a giggling nerd who thanked his audience and fans. He was arrogant and heady when he announced Fox bought the rights for all three of his books. he talked about creating languages and contriving the story line for the second of the books, eldest. He took questions and was full of himself.
his talk was about being humble, he didnt convey that at all.. he talked of his fans but never showed interest. He seems to be getting off on all the excitement, He talked of booksigning events like he was name dropping.. He presents as an immature, sci fi nerd who is thumbing his nose at all those jocks who got the girls while he marches the bank

the book signing started.. each person was allowed one INscription and could get multiple copies of both books signed..
they went row by row...some people were getting twenty books signed..the lines were moving but when they got near us, the barnes and noble staff informed us that CHristopher would not sign inscriptions. I tried to explain that we were informed that he would and that i would not have waited. I didnt care about the author, i cared about getting the book signed for the teenager that wanted it.
no avail.. i asked Christopher himself who looked at me and answered..."tell her i say hello" ill tell her YOU are an asshole was what i muttered. I moved on complaining
and complained to the Barnes and Noble staff, that the event was the worst that i have experienced and how i felt my expensive time was wasted. I knew he did inscriptions before us, we were told he would and because he had a large turnout, they changed the game plans.
I announced that i didnt care about the author but was doing a favor. i informed the B&N staff that i would publicize how crappy they were and how Paolini' is a hypocrite and how his action really didnt support the words..
even if he had time limits, the staff needed to be honest with the patrons..
there are kids who were waiting for him and he showed no real concern for the people who buy his product.he was more impressed with the buying of the product than teh people
he didnt come across as sincere at all.

he impressed as smart and maybe borrowed his ideas from other novelist who write fantasy literature ( he came so far as to say so)
he didnt reach the average person and there wasnt anything personable about him

Barnes and Noble did a lousy job at the book signing.. people were buying 20 copies to be signed... look to ebay for a signed copy.

people were there for him and i felt he let them down

i wouldnt buy his book or support him in any way..

i guess he is just immature...and unable to handle the fame

a script from the suzi steffen handbook

to whom it may concern:
i am in the market for a new path, the path i have been on has lost it luster and purposefulness. I need new work opportunities that will bring me growth, allow me use my skills and brain, teach me new things, let me feel competent and good about who i am and what i know,
i need something that will be rewarding, fulfilling and more than support my lifestyle. I want to make enough money to keep myself financially secure and place money away for retirement.
i secure city or state job would be nice but i am open to working anywhere . i am open to new locations, new fields, as long as i can apply my knowledge, skill and be rewarded in all aspects.

i have a lot to offer and would love to teach...but i am not sure that is in my future.

the path of my next thing has always been there for me when i need it..

i need direction and instruction and a little help....

i am also putting a word in for suzi... she needs a new job too...

suzi it all up to you... define it and call to the universe for you wishes...

be careful what you wish for..

i challenge you all to do the same... ask for what you wish for..
but you may get it

mi crzy vida

the extra strength tylenol are a temporary remedy to my lack of sleep. I am not really sleeping through the night and when i take 2 EST they make wake up groggy and shaky..last night i took ONE and it really didnt work. They do make me sleepy but they dont help me sleep through the night. i was up every two hours from 10-6. not sleeping all night sucks..
the EST just mixes up my dreams... they are clear when i am dreaming them and when i wake up i lose them

i know that my dreams have been a mixture of dar, work, hedwig ( i watched it saturday) all the strings of my life as well as anxiety dreams. the pressure of my recent work stress and the pending surgery have creeped into my dream...they all seem like a jumble now and may be ill recapture them..

the Tylenol resembles anestesia and maybe that is creeping into my dream. They are distorted and jumbled.

i didnt get enough sleep and need more and will take two tylenol tonight..

Thursday, August 18, 2005

stuck at work/suck at work

i had a really shitty day.... sometimes i put my foot in my mouth and keep it there..
i am not awake to the reality of things around me and i step in horseshit..

well that happened this week and today was the meeting to review it...
it dont look good... Joe Torre all over again...

So i went to weight watchers and loggin in a loss and was feeling good about walking and being home. I got 5 hours sleep last night

my cell rang and it was a supervisor who reported that the Bus load of kids that went to great adventure today were left there by the bus driver

luckily richard got them to send another bus but i went to the office and i am here waiting for the two hours for them to come home
there will be parents, cranky kids, cranky staff who all will need something from me

i am wretched i am tired.... i am cranky and want to go home myself..
but i am responsible and i am sticking it out.

my staff have been supportive and call....i have lined up all that i could and now i wait

this wont earn me any brownie points...

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Capricorn Horoscope for week of August 18, 2005

Capricorn Horoscope for week of August 18, 2005

Verticle Oracle card Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished," wrote novelist Louis L'Amour. "Yet that will be the beginning." He could have been describing your life in the coming week, Capricorn. Just when you're sure you've gone as far as you can go, worked as hard as you can work, and exhausted all the possibilities, you will find the secret to a sweet, fresh gamble that will awaken your most brilliant innocence.
Your personality type is SLUEI
You are social, moderately calm, unstructured, egocentric, and intellectual, and may prefer a city which matches those traits.

The largest representation of your personality type can be found in the these U.S. cities: Reno, Washington DC, Providence, New York City, Denver, Norfolk, Salt Lake City, W. Palm Beach, Baltimore, Miami/Ft. Lauderdale, Detroit, Albuquerque/Santa Fe and these international countries/regions Kazakhstan, Luxembourg, Greece, Argentina, Iceland, Taiwan, China, Croatia, Italy, Poland, Spain, Israel, Brazil, Mexico, Thailand, Turkey, Finland

What Places In The World Match Your Personality?
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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

28 years ago today or the day elvis died August 19, 1977

i was going to camp b'nai b'rith with my friend BOB. my parents dropped me off at his house and i slept over (i was 17 i hadnt stayed over a boys house before) Bob and i were heading to camp for a two week stint at the Peace Branch Horse and Teen for G-d Camp

we went to the park street station to meet the bus and i hadnt ridden the Boston subway. we got to the station and we sat down and popped a quarter in the little 12 inch tv sets. I had never seen those Tv sets before
(we dont have public transportation in the rural farm land where i grew up)

so on the TV we learned Elvis died.. over and over and over... Hounddog clips of Elvis shaking it on TV and Jail house rock with elvis in that stupid striped outfit

the day elvis died was a day of firsts....
and today on the anniversary of elvis's death ....

i remember the events.....

more random things

i was driving to work reading my mail on my blackberry and i was reading about the Ben Fold/Rufus Wainwright concert in Kansas when .... WFUV played Rufus Wainwright's Jerusalem

that is random.....

baked oatmeal squares

servings 12
1 pt each


2 cups uncooked oatmeal
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup FF milk
1/2 cup egg substitute ( three eggs)
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1/2 cup slenda
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp ground cinnamon

Preheat oven to 350. Combine wet ingredients and add to dry ingredients. Bake in a sprayed 8" square pan for 34-40 minutes. Keeps well in the refigerator or freezer

random things

i had 4 hot flashes between 6am when i woke up and 730am and approximately 5-7 at work and more last night. it was a high level Hot flash day. the feeling of dried sweat constantly on your body, or that prickly feeling is unpleasant. i can take a shower and dry off and be wet again from sweat, like i walked out the shower without toweling off

the herbs arent helping, I cranked two tylenol PM last night and was up three times. when i sleep i slept deeply, now i have to stay asleep..i wake right before the flash starts to i wake to the full force of the hot flash
10 more years of this


talking to amy, i reported my issue of Rollingstone and Organic Style both arrived on the same day yesterday.... she said that was random

it got me thinking, for many years my career, my life was planned out... all the steps.. if i could not accomplish it, it seemed that i was sent on the path

not going to brandeis but going to salem state by accident lead me to a BSW and Lynn DSS not a degree in Jewish Communal Services... I went to NYU on a bet, not BU or Columbia which lead me to Mental health and children and adolescents which lead me to
St josephs because i was comfortable with my DSS work

my path planned.... some of those plans just didnt happen..

my therapist did allow me to dwell too much on things that JUST didnt occur...she said
sometimes the cards just dont unfold that way..

i am not sure that i was ready to deal with those issues, maybe those were countertranserance issues for her...but maybe that was the point...there is nothing to talk about, mourn over, cry about.. things didnt happen has planned

for the last 5 years, since i left ST josephs... things have no been planned

they are random, my asking about teaching was random, and i sent my resume...i got the adjunct job

many good things have come to me in random ways...

so i am living in the random right now

plans are weekly, monthly, 6 months...

so amy....

my life is a series of Random..things events people
until i make up my mind to do something different...ill keep floating in the random

my path is not planned

Monday, August 15, 2005

dar dream

i was up many times last night with hot flashes and because of the rain. I ran into the rain earlier in the day in manhattan and it was a downpour that cooled off the world. It hadnt rained in brooklyn, though threatened to all night..

i dreamed this between 4am and 6am... i drove up to a farm. the landscape was lush and green. The trees were in technicolor. i saw a man at a far that looked like my friend Lou..Lou was surrounded by hogbushed grass on the rolling hills.

second scene..I met up with Dar. She looked like dar before a show and i told her that the landscape here was beautiful that it will hurt your heart, you will feel your heart stretching. She said that she needed to talk to me. She wanted to share some information with me but we had to meet in a room in the house. she told me she received this correspondance and there was someone she wanted me to meet. She had heard from a friend that a man that we had met in the past was interested in getting to know me better and she wanted to read the letter to me.

entering the house, some young girls gave her notes and two post cards with her picture on them...i was thinking.. OH i wanted her to sign some stuff .. oh shit, i left it at home, I asked her to save the postcards of her so she could sign them for the young people i promised signatures.

The house was like a English/scottish castle and she escorted me into the main dining room. SHe was insistant that we sit at the table and she began to read this letter.
she skimmed and mutter the initial perfuctory communication between she and the author and then read on - she introduced the person as robert. he worked in a room where there were many bodies. His job was to extract body parts. She told me she knew it was a gross vocation but the person who robert worked for and robert did it reputably and there was nothing illegal bout their work, it was their job...havesting body parts

i saw the hospital room set up with the bodies all laid out and this man in a white coat in the room with the bodies.

and i awoke... to my screaming alarm clock


too much 6 feet under and undertakers....funeral homes and bodies prepared for death

Sunday, August 14, 2005

dar williams 9-05 release commerical Posted by Picasa

mad hot ballroom

it was so hot that i melted into the sidewalk yesterday. after seeing broken flowers on Friday night, i couldnt find a movie that i wanted to see til i stumbled on the Village cinema playing Mad Hot Ballroom. I had a few minutes to kill so i went to whole foods for water and fruit and i headed to the theater. I already bought potatoes and corn at the green market so i was laden with packages..

the movie theater was crowded( it seats no more than 50)and i took a seat..

the movie is about 5 or 6 NYC 5th grade classes who learn ballroom dancing with the goal of competiting for teh NYC championship

PLOT: Kids at three New York public schools take compulsory ballroom dancing lessons, hope to be chosen for the final competition, and offer their very wise 11-year-old opinions on life.

At 60 public schools in New York City, Grade 5 students take a mandatory semester of ballroom dancing instruction. The dance classes lead to a city-wide competition, and there's a honking big trophy for the winning school.

Mad Hot Ballroom is a documentary about what the children learn at these dance lessons -- poise, self-confidence, team work, cooperation, joy, big dreams and great dance steps.

Make eye contact! Tuck in your shirt!

The kids learn how to swing dance and how to do the merengue, the rumba, the tango and the foxtrot. They learn those dances to the songs of Frank Sinatra, Peggy Lee and Della Reese, among others, so there are many levels to the education they are getting on the dance floor.

Mad Hot Ballroom concentrates on the kids from three public schools: P.S. 150 in Tribeca, P.S. 112 in Bensonhurst (Brooklyn) and P.S. 115 in Washington Heights.

Although the film seems uninspired technically, the subject matter is compelling. Well, it is if you like children, and we don't mean that in any Michael Jackson sort of way.

The kids are wonderful. Eleven-year-old girls talk about what they want in a boyfriend (a guy who doesn't sell drugs, for example). One little guy mentions how he goes over dance steps in his mind even when he's not dancing. Two Muslim boys help with the music and help the other dancers, as they are not permitted to dance themselves.

Watching how dance lessons motivate and inspire these kids is a delight to witness.

One of the stars of Mad Hot Ballroom is New York itself in all its cultural diversity, well represented here through the neighbourhoods and the children of various school districts.

The Washington Heights school (P.S. 115), for example, is in a district that is mostly made up of immigrants from the Dominican; almost every family at the school operates at or below the poverty level. You'll find yourself rooting for all these children, cheering them on as the competition gets closer and they all work harder on their dance steps.

You may be sure that there are plenty of tears at the competitions, where some win and some lose. Here is the American Dream writ small.

Mad Hot Ballroom is mostly about the seemingly small things that can change a child's life forever, and in this case for the better. The film may remind you of Spellbound in nature, though it's not technically as well made.

It's somehow more endearing, though.

this movie ripped at me and i cried through most of it...the kids of poor neighborhoods were up against last year's winner, Forest Hills Queens.
the difference were as obvious as Forest Hill kids show up in cars, the Washington Heights kids by subway..

the washingon heights kids are like every foster kid, i worked with . THe kids who wore the Bargain Sneakers or Bin Sneakers, the kids whose schools dont have books, the kids who are strugggling to get dinner or have to save their lunch for the next meal
( at least foster care gave them meals and a home)
the kids of washington heights, kids of immigrants from the Dominican Republic could be kids from any country
their goals.... not to marry a drug dealer or to finish high school without getting pregant.. their teachers teach dance in english and spanish
they were the kids i know the best..
i cried for those kids, maybe this class has a chance...
most dont have a chance to get through middle school...

Bensonhurst kids reflect their islamic, italian and latin neighbood.
it rocks that they they let the kids who CANT dance due to religion be the Dj

Saturday, August 13, 2005

hey that is suzi at crate lake-  Posted by Picasa

suzi and i went to Crate Lake state park in Oregon. It snowed that day, was hot and rainy and we saw the leaves change Posted by Picasa

Friday, August 12, 2005

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Capricorn Horoscope for week of August 11, 2005

Capricorn Horoscope for week of August 11, 2005

Verticle Oracle card Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Of all the animals in the world, the fly is the most unloved. It annoys us with its zigzag buzzing. When it lands in our food, we lose our appetite, knowing it carries residues of the disgusting things it has preyed on. But in the creation story of the Chelan Indians, the fly is given a heroic role to play because of its speed. In modern parlance, people say they'd like to be a fly on the wall in a place where an interesting conversation takes place. And the ancient Roman poet Virgil had a pet fly that saved him a fortune. When the fly died, he gave it a large funeral and declared its final resting place a cemetery, thereby avoiding a sizable land tax through a legal loophole. In the coming weeks, Capricorn, I predict you will find similar redemption in an influence you have always regarded as comparable to the fly's.

You're a star—and so am I. I'm a genius—and so are you. Your success encourages my brilliance, and my charisma enhances your power. Your victory doesn't require my defeat, and vice versa. Those are the rules in the New World—quite unlike the rules in the Old World, where zero-sum games are the norm, and only one of us can win each time we play. In the New World, you don't have to play down or apologize for your prowess, because you love it when other people shine. You exult in your own excellence without regarding it as a sign of inherent superiority. As you ripen more and more of your latent aptitude, you inspire the rest of us to claim our own idiosyncratic magnificence.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005


i saw a charter bus today with the destination plate that read


I thought of Paul Simon

Monday, August 08, 2005

nate is dead

Nate is DEAD - a real life TV look at Grief Critic's Notebook
On 'Six Feet Under,' Grief and Authenticity

Published: August 8, 2005

For those of us who have been trying to come to terms with the death a week ago of Nate Fisher (Peter Krause), the hero of HBO's "Six Feet Under," last night's ambitious episode of the upper-middlebrow melodrama offered several alternative ways to grieve.
Skip to next paragraph
Peter Krause photo, Doug Hyun; Justina Machado, Larry Watson/HBO; Joanna Cassidy, J. Emilio Flores for The New York Times; others, John P. Johnson/HBO

From top left to bottom right, the "Six Feet Under" cast: Peter Krause, Michael C. Hall, Frances Conroy, Lauren Ambrose, Rachel Griffiths, Freddy Rodriguez, Richard Jenkins, Mathew St. Patrick, James Cromwell, Lili Taylor, Justina Machado, Jeremy Sisto, Joanna Cassidy, Patricia Clarkson, Kathy Bates, Peter MacDissi, Ben Foster, Tina Holmes.

There were, of course, drugs. Nate's mother and sister - both panicked with misery as the episode opened - turned to pills and pot, respectively. But when Nate's pregnant widow, Brenda (Rachel Griffiths), was offered shots of edge-eroding vodka, she declined, saying, "I don't want to take the edge off."

Then there was the poetry: three kinds. First, the Republican lawyer who last week saw Claire (Lauren Ambrose) through her brother's sudden hospitalization made the case for pop music, as treacly ballads, including the Dixie Chicks' version of "Landslide," played in his car. "I love Top 40," the lawyer admitted. "I'm sorry. It just sounds so good sometimes."

Next came an extremely pretty, slightly anodyne poem by the 13th-century Sufi poet Rumi that Nate had requested be read graveside. It entreated the assembly, "Regarding him, say neither bad nor good."

"Mystical, maudlin'' stuff, said Brenda, whom Nate had dumped on his deathbed.

Finally, the episode took its title, "All Alone," from a lyric to the Nirvana song "All Apologies," which could be heard twice as Claire reflected on her brother. The first time, the music came with a memory: Nate in 1994, stoned, weeping at the suicide of Kurt Cobain, whom he called "too pure for this world." The music's reprise came later as Claire herself lay grieving, the acoustic version of the song back on the stereo, and then on the show's soundtrack, with Cobain's echolalic "All alone is all we are" repeating and repeating and repeating through the closing credits.

In choosing among these idioms of mourning, Lionel Trilling's great series of lectures, "Sincerity and Authenticity," published under that title in 1972, comes to mind. Sincerity - what Trilling calls "congruence between avowal and actual feeling"- once seemed (to the Romantic poets, x say) like an exalted state of existence that could be achieved only with conscientious attention to the heart.

But the ideal of sincerity has long ago been devalued, rendered commercial or quaint. Today, for example, it is associated with Coldplay, mewling God-and-country Republicans and weepie cable-television dramas like "Six Feet Under" that appeal mostly to women and gay men.

Authenticity, on the other hand, is regarded as rougher stuff, a man's job. Authenticity is gin to sincerity's chardonnay. (Look for it on "The Sopranos" and "Deadwood.") It suggests, as Trilling puts it, "a more strenuous moral experience" than does sincerity, as well as "a less acceptant and genial view of the social circumstances of life." Authenticity, in other words, is a confrontation not with the self, which its practitioners regard as elusive and false, but with death, horror, being, nothingness.

On "Six Feet Under" these days, authenticity's name is Brenda, the Woman Who Won't Take the Edge Off. On last night's episode, she looked with contempt on a gift bought by Maggie (Tina Holmes), Nate's recent concubine and the show's avatar of sincerity.

"What is this, some sort of Quaker thing?" she asked, continuing her challenge with profanity: you have sex with someone's husband till he dies, "and then you bring them a quiche?"

In a caustic, near-Jamesian dressing-down (the episode was written by Kate Robin), Brenda went on: "He certainly wasn't in love with you, even if he said he was. Nate could be very convincing that way. All he ever wanted was someone who could make him feel like he was a better man than he actually was. It could have been anyone."

The dutiful brother, David (Michael C. Hall), by contrast, has so far dodged the imperatives of sincerity and authenticity both; these ideals are the prerogatives of authors, and David has typically been too afraid of gay-bashing and too busy with make-work to assume real authority. On last night's episode, he was more scared than ever, abandoned by his handsome, straight older brother, whose presence - we see now - David had conceived as his hedge against mortality. With Nate dead, the specter of the menacing hooded hitchhiker from last season appeared again to David. He fell apart. At last, for solace, he admitted needing the ministrations of "smooth jazz," shorthand for the show's (and everyone's?) lowest form of aesthetic experience.

There were other outlets, speeches and bromides. The ones by Sarah (Patricia Clarkson) seemed especially fatuous, even manipulative; the one by crazy George (James Cromwell) - about Nate the idealist - seemed passably good.

But only Nate's colleague at the funeral home, Rico (Freddy Rodriguez), managed to get Nate's virtues just right. Like Fortinbras in "Hamlet," Rico told his wife that he intends to concentrate on bottom-line business now that the melancholy heir is out of the way. But even while scheming, he recognized that Nate in his dreaminess brought something to the art of death that was good for the enterprise and - who knows? - maybe even good for souls.

"He had a natural sense of what to say to people when they were grieving," Rico said. For this viewer, at least, that clicked. Nate may not have been able to face death and tell the truth, in the cold and unadorned way that Brenda idealizes, but he was able to speak to survivors from the heart.

When confronting the dead, as characters on this show often do, anything but an idiom of absolute authenticity ("all alone is all we are") sounds hollow. But in life's much more familiar experience - speaking to the bereaved - we could do worse than to be sincere.

women who lunch or maybe they dont

i was on the upper west side yesterday and stopped in Duane Reade for some stuff.. I started looking at these deli chips by Glenny that have been advertised lately and bought had one bag of each flavor in my hand. THey were on sale. and an old woman came up to me and said" those must be something"
she had wheat thins and was buying soychips..

she said i like these better. we talked about soychips for a while and she asked
"HOW MANY GRAMS OF SODIUM DO YOUR CHIPS HAVE?" 270 i remarked..she said that is too much. Its the sodium that kills me. I said... I count points and i watch sodium but i want to try these there. THE soychips have 170 and the wheat thins have 70 she said.
I looked at her like... I KNOW YOU.. I Know your story...

sodium = water retention= a false weight gain on the scale..

then i was walking along and saw a smallish woman with a dozen tall, thin girls who were all standing very straight, perfect posture and one guy who was in the front.. they were going to NONeat at the Hard Rock on 57th..

dance troupe, i asked on girl...YES...
i told her i could tell by their weight and their height and very straight posture

they stopped at the hard rock and i rocked on..


dieting, eating disorders, are everywhere...

with open eyes you see it all

Friday, August 05, 2005

the first and second and third family of folk

so i went to volunteer to set up chairs at prospect park on wednesday and i earned a free ticket to Rufus and Ben Folds..

silly me, i think the show starts at 8pm ... NAH.. 7pm..and i left my house at 7 to walk up..I missed BEN LEE.. on my way, i saw this 16 year old who fell off her blades and couldnt move wrist.. Along comes her mother, bitching bitching bitching at her for skating and making her walk in her Blades boots to the car..
I offered to sit with her til MOM got the car.. NO mom was determined to punisher her and make her walk 12 blocks to the car.. SO i flagged down the ever reliable NYPD who refused to give em a ride, who offered to call an ambulance, and who offered to have me sit with the kid while the MOM got the car. Frustrated, i told them they were useless and that i suggested that and even though its not my kid, i felt for the kid

so off i go to hear RUFUS singing and singing.. What a drama Queen but i love him..
the park was full and I had an AA pass to get anywhere..except the VIP area so i went to sit down and i saw a woman who looked like kate and anna mcgarrigle crying..with an AA (R) pass.. then i looked over and i was among the WAINWRIGHT ROYALTY... and i looked over and I spied SUZZY ROCHE...lots of wainwright, roche, McGarrigles..
and then RUFUS breaks out a new song.. KATONAH and introduces his sister MArtha who is not there but his other sister, Lucy ROche..who sings along..

Lucy sang along on Hallelulia too... GO LUCY.. i saw her after the show and she hugged me and asked me what i was doing there..i told her she sounded beautiful

( i know lucy through Dar, Lucy was stephen's nanny last summer and into the early fall) i run into Lucy roche in chelsea all the time..

rufus was wet when he ended his set and BEn Folds started his .. a college band for sure ... a new generations ELton JOhn.. i like them both.. One a Man's man.. and the other a girlyman....or woman's man..

the crowd sang along and knew both artists..


Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Capricorn Horoscope for week of August 4, 2005

Capricorn Horoscope for week of August 4, 2005

Verticle Oracle card Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You've probably heard tales about people who buy an old desk at a thrift store or a used jacket at a yard sale, then find a big stash of money in it when they get it home. You may also know the story of author Byron Katie, who was wallowing in depression on the floor of a halfway house when she had the epiphany that ultimately transformed her into a brilliant, rich, successful teacher. I believe your fate in the coming weeks will have elements of both of those motifs.

If I ever produce a self-help manual called The Reverse Psychology of Getting Everything You Want, it will discuss the following paradoxes:
a. People are more willing to accommodate your longings if you’re not greedy or grasping.
b. A good way to achieve your desires is to cultivate the feeling that you’ve already achieved them.
c. Whatever you’re longing for has been changed by your pursuit of it. It’s not the same as it was when you felt the first pangs of desire. In order to make it yours, then, you will have to modify your ideas about it.
d. Be careful what you wish for because if your wish does materialize it will require you to change in ways you didn’t foresee.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

sleeping with the devil

i have hot flashes. I sit in unexpected puddles of sweat. It all starts from the inside and before i know it, my forehead is sweaty and armpits are wet and smell and my body is wet like i stepped out of a shower.

I use fans and airconditioning and carry fans from chinatown to cool myself off. THe sweat leave prickly heat on my skin. the sweat drips off my nose and from my hairline.

I have night sweats that wake me up in the middle of the night. i have them more than once a night. I can wake up 3-4 times and i am thirsty and wet. I get a can of diet coke from the fridge and a oatmeal bar and go back to bed. I will only do that once. I can drink the coke in two sweat sessions. I have to bring water to bed with me so i dont have to get up . Well maybe to pee after all that fluid..
i feel dehydrated from the sweat session and go back to sleep only to repeat the cycle

well after two weeks of sleeping with the fan and airconditioner and still having night wakings, i was beat with a stick so i stayed home yesterday. I could barely move but managed to walk..

I took calms forte before bed and slept through the night... i didnt want to get up this morning so i didnt.. i stayed home again.. no appointments, no meeting.. no care

i walked to my doctor today and asked for a talk.. i told her about the night sweats and interference with the EPstein Barr... she doesnt recommend hormones. they dont use em, neither did my GYN.. i told her i was on mega doses of SOY, cohost and calcium, magnisium, zinc, acidolphis, multivitamin and estrovan..

i wanted something to sleep... She would not give me AMBIEN.. or any other sleeping PILL.. because they are addictive..
no sleeping pills for me

she told me to take TYLENOL PM and take 2 if i need them to relax...

i told her that i would try it...

i really want the drugs.. but i ended up with aspirin..

twice denied the drugs by my GP...

maybe a new doctor is in my future...

maybe a permanent script to tylenol PM