Tuesday, June 28, 2005

another chapin dream

GAWD i dream about mary chapin carpenter more than anyone else right now.

I dreamed that i was at the Grammy awards and i got up at intermission to move around from my seat in an arts center or radio city and when i was heading towards my seat, i head them introduce a special unexpected guest who was joining another artist on stage. none other than Mary Chapin Carpenter. I knew i had to get back to my seat. I thought in the dream that i wanted her to SEE me but then again, i didnt want to be seen rushing back to my seat

the next scene of the dream was that i was standing next to MCC on her left and there was a family. Parents ( two adults and two teenage kids, a male and female) standing with her and she put her arm around my waist and we were talking about her return and her next time in the area and she reassured me she would be back in MAY. she repeated it a few times, she would be "returning in may"

i woke up at 5am and went to the bathroom and wanted to go back to sleep and wanted to go back into this dream specifically

Monday, June 27, 2005

the kids in the trunk

i woke up two days ago to the news that the three NJ kids ages 5, 6 and 11 were found in the trunk of a car in their backyard dead... the commentator was critical of the police for not looking, critical of the parents and critial of the man they were thinking had kidnapped the kid.. he was critical there was no criminal charges or major story... just kids who got locked in a trunk
it was no negative....

the news woke me up in hte middle of the night and i clicked the TV off and went back to sleep

i am sad about this story and the loss of the kids needlessly... i cant read the stories about, hear snippets on the news....

it saddens me...

vicky doesnt have enough credits

i dreamed that my ex friend Vicky did not have enough credit to get her undergraduate degree in social work. ( in reality she has a masters degree in sw) I spent time in the dream trying to figure out how she could take ONE more course at Stonybrook ( the SUNY school with a social work program- state funded school) and complete her degree. She could do it long distance . i didnt see her in dream, her voice was there and she reported that she tried everything to get them to award her the credit so she could get her degree

i was outside in the dream . .like at a festival, thinking of resources for her

in the dream, i thought of old roles and falling into old roles with her and really wasnt getting too involved, though i offered to call the school for her to try to finagle something on her behalf


i guess pride made me think of her yesterday... Pride makes me think of her and my friend Deborah

Saturday, June 25, 2005

disabled kitty dream

i fell asleep soundly... i have been stressed out and tired beyond belief
emotionally tired NOT physically...

so i hit the pillow and conked out...

i woke at 625 or the kitty woke me and i went back to sleep

the dream i had about my kitty not being able to walk properly..she was twisted and her hind legs were not working like she was hurt..

my kitty was disabled..

lots of computer related things, Connections accounts at work and my creative nomad are all disabled at this point and i am frustrated with minor irritation and annoyed at the thought of having to have them repaired, replaced or reconnected
something is off, resets, USB ports and i can connect and fix them

it seems simple adn I cant get it... i am not hitting the right link

Friday, June 24, 2005

my creative visualizations of my dream house and dream job

Each day was i drive through the park, i start to think that i would like to be one of tthose people walking or jogging and not in my car commuting...
which leads me to start to visualized and create a new job
the things are important to me are

nonconventional work hours
being able to teach or a teaching/training job
something i enjoy doing
something where i can learn something new
not a management of people or directing a department
job security
benefits and a pension option
as much money as i make now or more
ability to travel and to have long weeks
a reasonably short commute
(sometimes i think of a commute where i can read a book, newspaper or my new yorker)

I will be doing the same for where i want to live
Near a city or arts center/or college town
with access to the ocean
a house with a porch or deck or patio where i can see nature
and a sunset
three bedrooms at least
a driveway
i dont want to deal with major repairs
easy maintanence
heated and airconditioned
more than enough closet space or storage space
easy commute
place that i can own

Thursday, June 23, 2005

the blessings by Dar Williams

The Blessings

If you're gonna get your heart broke, you better do it just right,
It's gotta be raining, and you gotta move your stuff that night,
And the only friend you can reach isn't a good friend at all,
And you know when he says "Now who dumped who?" that you never should have made that call.

I had the blessings, there's nobody there, there's nobody home,
Yeah the blessings, at the moment I was most alone
And aimless as a fulltime fool, the joke was on me,
I got all those birds flying off of that tree, and that's a blessing.

And the blessings were like poets that we never find time to know,
But when time stopped I found the place where the poets go.
And they said, "Here have some coffee, it's straight, black and very old,"
And they gave me sticks and rocks and stars and all that I could hold,

I had the blessings, a moment of peace even when the night ends,
Yeah the blessings, can we meet? Can we meet again,
At the crossroads of disaster and the imperfect smile,
With the angel in the streetlamp that blinks on as I walk on a mile, the blessings.

And the best ones were the ones I got to keep as I grew strong,
And the days that opened up until my whole life could belong,
And now I'm getting the answers, when I don't need them anymore,
I'm finding the pictures, and I finally know what I kept them for,
I remember, I can see them, see them smiling, see them stuck,
See them try, I wish them luck and all the blessings.

I was fast asleep at three in the morning when I got the payphone call,
And she said, "Did I wake you up," I said, "Hey, no, not at all."
And she said, "I got this suitcase and I don't know what to pack,"
And I said, "You can take anything you want, just wait and see,
It's not a release, not a reward, it's the blessings,
Its the gift of what you notice more,"
And I walked out and I watched her kick the big pile of the night,
And we sat down and we waited for that strange and empty light.
Yeah the blessings...

See them smiling, see them stuck,
See them try, I wish them luck and all the blessings.

Capricorn Horoscope for week of June 23, 2005

Capricorn Horoscope for week of June 23, 2005

Verticle Oracle card Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Mirrors will be your best teachers this week. The revelations they bring may sometimes make you uncomfortable, but for the most part they will energize you. By week's end, you'll have every reason to celebrate because of their lessons. Keep in mind that the mirror of the moment won't always be a shiny glass surface that reflects images. It may be a person giving you feedback, an unfamiliar situation that shows you surprising secrets about yourself, the way an animal behaves around you, and other things that neither you nor I could predict.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

severed dreams

I was awakened at 330 by this dream (and to go to the bathroom)
I dreamed that i was going or being sent to a psychiatric/medical facility
I remember getting in the car and others were going with me.
The preparation for the trip and items, body parts that were being sold by an individual, like ebay style and by the time we got there, the person had died
and in my dream i clearly saw a severed limb... arm or leg and thought that the person
doesnt not need it any more

the dream kept me awake for about 10 minutes

i remember a library type room... rich in mahogany and large ceilings.
I have dreamed of this room before or library ...


going to sleep last night about 10pm... i read and then shut the light off. the room was still, unusually still. I remember seeing a bit of light in the window reflecting but there was no noise. The only time its like that on my street in ny is at 330 am or middle of night..
it was calm and dark and quiet and i savored it while i fell asleep

Monday, June 20, 2005

renovations 2

another dream about moving... and renovations being made ..

I was in a summer beach house, like the ones seen in movies with the white curtains blowing and had my suitcase on the bed and opened it up ...

i saw two bugs that i assumed were roaches scurry near the wall -

the curtains were blowing

i thought about the super to my building or maybe that was part of another dream i had

Sunday, June 19, 2005

fathers day 2005

i called my father and told him that i went to NJ yesterday and i stopped at vegetable stands and bought green squash, Cherries and snap beans or peas...

he said" that is why they call it the garden state!"

DUH ... i said... i didnt think about it...

Dad is right

i love my father

a dream snippet

i woke from a dream where my super replaced the light fixtures in my apartment ..
there was also room in my closet for my winter coats...

seems like i am have renovation dreams....

Friday, June 17, 2005

gold earrings

i came to work and one of the supervisors i work with informed me i had on ONE gold hoop..

my gold hoops have been a staple in my wardrobe for many years and i would het to think i lost one. I noticed they had been loose of late and tried to make it close tighter.

I went to the library to return a book and stood at the counter waiting for the clerk to pull cds. I found myself telling her of the earring and shrugging that if i lost it, it was time. That the earring that was so much a part of my life, may be missing.. I took off the other one and put it in my pocket.

My mind flashed to all those days at ST josephs, walks, the good times, the bad, my reentry into music and my life, stopping smoking, gaining weight, losing weight, all the years reflected in the earrings. Where the earring came with me.. the 4 falcon ridges, the nightstands they were put on as i dont wear them to bed. The earrings had all the stories of at least the last 10 years...

I found myself saying... "if i lost it, maybe it was time for the earring to go. Maybe a change in my life, means that i dont need the earrings any longer. I am just resigned that i may have lost it and it represented a good thing. Maybe it means that i need to buy new ones."

it was easy to let them go.. and then i remembered, i changed clothes a few times this morning, maybe my earring is in my carpet at home...

i better not lose the one i still have..


i remembered i changed shirts a few times before i went to work and when i got home and went into the bedroom.. there was my earring on the carpet near the bed
it was still meant to be mine

163 -16

When i moved jobs and started to work in Jamaica, my offfice didnt have internet service. so on my lunch hour, i would walk to the public library to check my email.
on the way, i would pass 163-16 89th ave. There was a windowed in porch and every day there was a man sitting or lying in the window. He was an obese man, morbidly obese id say.
I would walk by and say hello. Day by Day i would say hello. Hello in there, like the John Prine song. From hello, we began to share a few words. I would take a few moments to talk about the weather or ask about the holidays. A father's day wish or happy new year. I would spend a few minutes talking to the man in 163-16.

Winter came and my job got internet access and my daily treks stopped. Every once in a while i went to the library to take out a book. it was like seeing an old friend.
One day i looked forward to seeing 163-16 and he wasnt there. I didnt think anything of it, til the house looked dark a few months later.

I saw a woman the same age as 163-16 and i asked for him. She informed me her husband passed away. She was aware of my kind words as somedays, she sat with him in the window. I expressed my grief and condolescences and remarked how i will miss her husband on my walks.

I see her once in a while and stop to speak to her. I ask about her kids, remark on the work on her home and spend a moment remembering 163-16. Today, i walked by his house and the house was empty. but i remembered the man in the window at 163-16.

he lives on within me.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

the worst review i have ever read in the Times

One Buddy Wings It; the Other Plays Along

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Published: June 16, 2005

The composer Jimmy Webb and his greatest interpreter, Glen Campbell, have been intermittent collaborators for nearly 40 years. As they cavorted on the stage of Feinstein's at the Regency on Tuesday evening, they suggested two good ol' boys goofing off with the easy familiarity of childhood buddies and former hell-raisers looking back with sheepish amusement. (Mr. Campbell, in fact, grew up in Arkansas, and Mr. Webb in Oklahoma, and Mr. Campbell is several years older).
Skip to next paragraph
Richard Termine for The New York Times

Glen Campbell on the first night of a five-evening engagement.
Forum: Popular Music

Mr. Campbell, whose career was catapulted by hit singles of three of Mr. Webb's songs in the late 1960's, is by far the wilder. At Tuesday's opening-night show of a five-evening engagement, he winged it, reading the lyrics (and even then, sometimes losing track of them) from a music stand, picking out wrong notes on his guitar and in general treating the performance as an audience-friendly open rehearsal. Mr. Webb, manning the keyboard, had no choice but to be a good sport and play along.

It is a measure of Mr. Campbell's incandescent talent that he still triumphed. His sloppiness detracted only minimally from the power of his voice; at 69, he still conveys the manic optimism of a garrulous rhinestone cowboy crowing under the open skies. When he pushes his voice into a fervent upper register, the sun bursts from behind the clouds and blazes with an intensity that heats up the room.

The program, devoted entirely to Mr. Webb's songs, blends Mr. Campbell's early hits ("By the Time I Get to Phoenix," "Wichita Lineman," and "Galveston,") with more obscure numbers like "Asleep on the Wind," a beautiful pop-country ballad that imagines a bird tucking its head under a wing to fly in its sleep. If anything, Mr. Webb's romantic mysticism is more pronounced today than ever. In his songs, love is always now or never, all or nothing. When Mr. Webb sings them, you feel their anguish. Mr. Campbell's voice transmutes the pain, doubt and introspection into confidence and faith; miracles are not just possible, they're likely.

Through Saturday at Feinstein's at the Regency, 540 Park Avenue, at 61st Street; (212) 339-4095.

Capricorn Horoscope for week of June 16, 2005

Capricorn Horoscope for week of June 16, 2005

Verticle Oracle card Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
British medical researchers recently announced that contrary to conventional wisdom, brief periods of stress are healthy for us--so much so that they boost longevity and enhance our cells' ability to repair themselves. At the same time, the scientists emphasized that intense, long-term stress is still just as bad for us as we've always thought. If they're right, Capricorn, you should be the picture of vitality right now. The difficulties you've been facing lately have passed the Goldilocks' test: neither too great nor too small, but just right.


i pray
i believe in god
i believe there is a higher power, supreme being
i believe that my yearly fate is written for the year at yom kippur.
( it doesnt mean that doing all the good things, right things for 10 days leading up to the day or atonement or giving up my sins? will get me that earned place.

i am not sure that there are sins. I think there are interactions and needs and wants, that match or conflict.

i pray daily.
i pray for lost carkeys
and i pray for thanks when i find them
i pray for peace in the world
i pray to have more than i need and i pray i am able to give some away
i pray for my friends and i pray for those who arent
i pray for love and light
and i pray for darkness
i pray that the evil that men do, kick them in the ass
i pray in curses for men of pain.
i pray that whatever a person puts out, they get back
i curse the president and vice president for their acts of unjust war
i curse the decision makers who are greedy and power mongers

i curse the men who put the SHiavo family through false hope in the name of their god
my god would have let her float off in peace
my god did let her die

i prayed for her death, i prayed for the living to be strong
i pray for peace
i pray for me
i pray for you
i pray daily
i will pray today

thank g-d for AAA

Yesterday, i came home early thinking.. ill get relaxed and ready to go to manhattan to see john prine. I knew the moment it happened.. I took the keys out of the ignition and put them in my knapsack. I was then holding my housekeys. I got out of my car and locked the door behind me. I went around to the passengers side and realized all 4 door s were locked. i had locked three sets of car keys in my car.

thursday when i went to make keys for my apartment to leave with the cat girl. I decided to grap my car keys and make an extra. I threw it in my wallet that i keep in my backpack. I knew i had my spare key in there already. But last night, i locked my knapsack with my cellphone and john prine ticket in my car.

I called AAA. I remember doing that in virginia outside the birchmere when i locked the ekeys in the car. AAA can do that. So upstairs i flew to look around > NO SPARE key

call AAA... i should receive a call in 20 minutes. the locksmith is local and should nto charge me anything. AAA plus has 100 coverage. so i waited and waited and waited. They called... it should be about an hour... after 50 minutes, a 1/2 ring and then i called AAA....

seems like the locksmith is running late. finally a call from the locksmith.. "green toyota, oldish, Mass plates? im down stairs

im golden i think. htey have my car door proped open and are trying to get a long metal rod in . NO lock. where is the slim jim? i ask. THe guy left it home. so he tried to fight with it.. In the mean time, he is screaming at a guy on the cellphone and stomping and stressed. I asked him not to take it out on my car or me.

finally, another long rod and we push the lever to the window to start to open the window... slowly, it lowers and lowers and finally, he can put his arm in and POP the lock comes up and i am in my car with my knapsack and i am on my way to John Prine..

Monday, June 13, 2005

she is screaming- NO NO NO

california jury got it all wrong.. sure they were money mongers but NO 46 year old needs to have boys in his bed

will MJ ever learn?????

states of grace

bold the states you've been to, underline the states you've lived in and italicize the state you're in now...

Alabama / Alaska / Arizona / Arkansas / California / Colorado / Connecticut / Delaware / Florida / Georgia / Hawaii / Idaho / Illinois / Indiana / Iowa / Kansas / Kentucky / Louisiana / Maine / Maryland / Massachusetts / Michigan / Minnesota / Mississippi / Missouri / Montana / Nebraska / Nevada / New Hampshire / New Jersey / New Mexico / New York / North Carolina / North Dakota / Ohio / Oklahoma / Oregon / Pennsylvania / Rhode Island / South Carolina / South Dakota / Tennessee / Texas / Utah / Vermont / Virginia / Washington / West Virginia / Wisconsin / Wyoming / Washington D.C. /

Go HERE to have a form generate the HTML for you.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

5 songs that i am grooving on

i have been tagged to the 5 songs that i am grooving on right now

1. Paradise- John Prine
there is something about going home and not being able to go home again

2. Mary chapin carpenter is always in my cd player
Late for you life and Why walk when you can fly have been favorites of late

3. Lady is a tramp-ella fitzgerald
who needs more than dinner at 8, loving the theater and never going late, not hanging around with the rest of the girls or sharing gossip and not wearing Ermine and pearls
and playing cards and going to coney island

4. with g-d on our side- Bob Dylan

5. Rosanne Cash - Tennesee flattop box
its just is a catchy little tune

what does that say?????


my uncle died this week, we buried my mother's bother in law

Jewish death rituals are unusual. There was lots talk of about the throwing of dirt on the casket and whether the casket should have been lowered before the family was situated. The realization of burial is evident and mandatory in jewish tradition and custom

I used the opportunity of my uncle's death to talk to my father about what he wanted for his burial and also my mother was vocal on what she wanted.

my father doesnt want to a service at a chapel but rather wants a grave side service. He is not insistant about having a military funeral, though he is entitled and in life wears his caps demonstrating that he is a korean vet. He doesnt want Dirt thrown on him at all.

my mothers doesnt want her likes or dislikes or hobbies listed in the news paper at all.


You are a Folkie. Good for you.

What kind of Sixties Person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Saturday, June 11, 2005

on death

my uncle doc died this week. Hyman Doc Kramer was a man of means, political connection and access. He worked tiredlessly for war vets and specifically Jewish War Vets. He was a committed husband, father and grandfather. He was the Political machine in Medway Ma. If you wanted political access, you found HY Kramer.

Hy Kramer had ... Baseball tickets, baseball jackets, money to travel, money to remodel, He had stature, he had clout, he had his hand out.

Hy Kramer asked to be a Quartermaster in the army. He asked for compensation from those who he helped. He helped them and helped himself. He got paid for his work and got paid in money and product.

Hy Kramer also is a convicted Felon and spent almost a year in a federal jail when he was in his 60s. He was taped doing business by the Feds and was indicted by a grand jury and convicted and served his time

the political machine man then could no longer vote. He could still organize and politicize. His felon status restricted him in some ways.

His wife of 58 years has held the line and held her family together thru the best of times and through the times where mr kramer was shamed. For a woman who lives in a narcissitic and centered world, worried about what the community would say, she was faced with the greatest test based on her husband's transgressions.

My Uncle Hyman Doc Kramer was buried after Parkinson's disease made him a shell of himself. NO longer able to speak clearly or have control over his body functions. His 6 foot man became a shell..

attended the funeral, i saw a Small fish in a big pond. A big man in a little town of Massachusetts. A man who was abandoned by the people who surrounded him or many they were just dead by now. A man whose hayday was long gone. A man who was shamed. A man who was loved by his children and grandchildren who dont see the man clearly but see what they want to see

Friday, June 10, 2005

psalm 15


O Lord, who shall stay in your tent,
Or dwell upon your holy hill?
Those who walk blameless, and do right,
And speak the truth from their own hearts;
Who do not slander with their tongues,
And do no evil to their friends,
Nor neighbors treat with disrespect;
Their eyes detest a reprobate,
But honor those who fear the Lord.
They keep their promises, without
Regard to what it's going to cost;
They do not lend at interest,
Nor do they bribe the innocent.
Secure are they who do these things.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Capricorn Horoscope for week of june 9

apricorn Horoscope for week of June 9, 2005

Verticle Oracle card Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Artist Max Ernst (1891-1976) specialized in using creative techniques that relied on the element of chance. He was a master of collage, assembling materials he got from newspapers, botanical drawings, catalogs, and scientific journals. He also liked to run a paintbrush over a piece of a canvas that was lying on a rough wooden floor, thereby making an impression of the underlying texture. This random approach drove some critics crazy, since it undermined the idea that worthwhile art can only be made by trained experts. Ernst seemed to imply that anyone could fabricate interesting stuff. He's your role model right now, Capricorn. Let him inspire you to shed any beliefs you might have that you're not creative. Capitalize on the element of chance to bring novelty into everything you do. Be alert for lucky accidents that you could take advantage of in order to freshen up everyone's perspective.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

my boss is an sshole sometimes

i always get dragged into situations at CMS that i dont want to be in. I was honest with my boss today about how annoyed and impatient he gets with me when he perceives me as talking on and on... he just gets annoyed..

later in the day, we were talking about space and clearing out the basement and his suggestions to pile workers on top of each other and i presented a plan that would be respectful to all parties
then frank got frustrated about clearing out the basement and he was getting short

the topic of my budget came up...seeing i have a full staff and my boss referenced raises and accurrals and how i would not have those available and the case aide lines. I repeatedly stated that i informed the CFO NOT TO TOUCH teh case aide lines..

the exec got short and asked me if i knew what was in my budget??

that was actually something stupid to say, because i know all the extraneous positions that have little to do with my department that are in my budget. I know how to budget and i know what is in my budget. I responded I know what i recommended but i dont know what was submitted to the board...

maybe i should know what was submitted???
Letter to Pres Bush Concerning the "Downing Street Minutes" The Honorable George W. Bush
President of the United States of America
1600 Pennsylvania Ave, N.W.
Washington, D.C. 20005

Dear Mr. President:

We the undersigned write because of our concern regarding recent disclosures of a Downing Street Memo in the London Times, comprising the minutes of a meeting of Prime Minister Tony Blair and his top advisers. These minutes indicate that the United States and Great Britain agreed, by the summer of 2002, to attack Iraq, well before the invasion and before you even sought Congressional authority to engage in military action, and that U.S. officials were deliberately manipulating intelligence to justify the war.

Among other things, the British government document quotes a high-ranking British official as stating that by July, 2002, Bush had made up his mind to take military action. Yet, a month later, you stated you were still willing to "look at all options" and that there was "no timetable" for war. Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, flatly stated that "[t]he president has made no such determination that we should go to war with Iraq."

In addition, the origins of the false contention that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction remain a serious and lingering question about the lead up to the war. There is an ongoing debate about whether this was the result of a "massive intelligence failure," in other words a mistake, or the result of intentional and deliberate manipulation of intelligence to justify the case for war. The memo appears to resolve that debate as well, quoting the head of British intelligence as indicating that in the United States "the intelligence and facts were being fixed around the policy."

As a result of these concerns, we would ask that you respond to the following questions:
1)Do you or anyone in your administration dispute the accuracy of the leaked document?
2) Were arrangements being made, including the recruitment of allies, before you sought Congressional authorization to go to war? Did you or anyone in your Administration obtain Britain's commitment to invade prior to this time?
3) Was there an effort to create an ultimatum about weapons inspectors in order to help with the justification for the war as the minutes indicate?
4) At what point in time did you and Prime Minister Blair first agree it was necessary to invade Iraq?
5) Was there a coordinated effort with the U.S. intelligence community and/or British officials to "fix" the intelligence and facts around the policy as the leaked document states?

These are the same questions 89 Members of Congress, led by Rep. John Conyers, Jr., submitted to you on May 5, 2005. As citizens and taxpayers, we believe it is imperative that our people be able to trust our government and our commander in chief when you make representations and statements regarding our nation engaging in war. As a result, we would ask that you publicly respond to these questions as promptly as possible.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.


Senator John Conyers petition to request inquiry for impeachment of President B*sh and VP Cheney based on their deception of the congress and UN based on the downing street memo

what do you speak??? Yankee t hrough and thru..just a yankee jew, oy vey?

Your Linguistic Profile:

45% Yankee

40% General American English

10% Upper Midwestern

5% Dixie

0% Midwestern

pedicures are a blast

i snuck off in the middle of the day to have a relaxing pedicure.. i explained to sandra my fears and concerns about my toenails.. seems my nail structure on two toes dont have anything to do with the fungus but my nails could have gotten that way from injury, shoes too small or any other way...

she was very reassuring and told me my feet were in great shape..especially for as much walking as i do... she gave me a great massage, soaked my feet, clipped my nails, cleaned my dead skin, no ingrown toenail and sanded and filed em... and painted them a pretty light lavendar...

maybe because its june...

i then went and got a huge ice coffee at dunkin donuts. as i went to my car I DROPPED it.. and went to the counter to reorder another and they comped it to me..

i will go there again...

i will have my nails done about 3 weeks or so by her and by the cheap places in between..
viva la pedicure...

now if i can only stop biting hte skin around my fingernails...

its nice to put demons to rest....

another new challenge

I was talking to my friend fay on friday.. we were talking about overcoming hurdles..big ones, small one.. Hurdles...things that hold us back, overcoming fear and fearing to overcome...

for 3 or so years, i have been working and fighting with atheletes feet and toenail fungus.. I have actually had it longer than that...
my first recall of starting to deal with it and treat it, goes back to Dr Comrie, my second GYN in NYC.. that was over 10 years ago

i have had three rounds of Lamisil or the ancient equal and years of struggle. well after my most recent Lamisil treatment this winter, my nails are in better shape not exactly magazine modeling shape..

last summer, i started wearing open toed shoes for the first time in 12 years.. or forever.. luckily, NYC isnt a great place for open toe shoes..

so i have worked at treatment and care of my feet and i told fay, i needed a professioanl pedicure. i probably need a doctor for them but i went to get a haircut on saturday and asked for a pedicure. My Hairdresser couldnt do it on saturday and after internal struggle.. i really was ready for one...i postponed my desire and overcoming another demon and scheduled it for today at noon..

i will get ONE good pedicure, even though i fear that i will not be able to and will be referred to a doctor. I trust Sandra with my hair color and trust her with my feet... I have to get through my embarrassment and being ashamed at the condition til she cleans em up.. but i need a professional to do so, my polishing of my nails doesnt do it for me.. so i leap through the feelings, confront them and get on with foot treatment and pick a color i like for summer....

be brave....

strawberries and homeless people

i didnt want to buy strawberries but ended up with a huge box of them sunday from a woman in chinatown. she was selling the last box for about 1/2 the price and i was hungry. One the crowded train home, i decided NOT to break into the box.

like most sundays, a homeless or apparently homeless person entered the train to tell their story of pride and not begging for money, but then she went on to beg for money.
I usually offer my fruit, an apple, two or three oranges whatever fruit i have and most people have taken it gladly...
some refuse my fruit and it usually is a sign of wanting cash for drugs.

this woman, with her unwashed and uncombed hair, missing teeth, and broken shoes entered the train, begging about not begging came to me... i offered my strawberries and she went on a tirade with language that i could not repeat. She equated my strawberries with pussy and wanted to know why i was showing her pussy..

i should have sensed her mental illness..

i wonder about the poverty, drug users, mentally ill who i know qualify for SSI or PA checks and do they spend them all, have them stolen, forget to go for recertification, or are too ill to take care of themselves..

welfare reform is 5 years old and many individuals will start to lose their safety net. those who are able have been sent to work at minimum wage jobs replacing union workers, others hit the streets.

i have seen the increase in people begging for money on the train, on street corners an the such

in queens, there are beggers who bring that skill and i think the paper cup from their country of origin... walking the cars for cash, on crutches, with limbs missing.. like they do in their native country..

I see day laborers waiting for trucks to pick 2-5 men like in their county and also depcited in Cinderella Man... "pick me" for an honest days work... all off the books.. pay be cheaply and i can buy milk for my kids

then i see the battery man on the Q... fake Duracell, fake batteries.. 5 for 10, 2 for a dollar...

America the land of the rich with streets paved of gold, give me your tired, your poor , your huddled masses yearning to breath free

Sunday, June 05, 2005

bob Bastard

i was flipping channels and caught Dilbert on Cartoon Network on a saturday morning at 8am. The main character was a masked guy named Bob Bastard. it showed how he became a miserable masked man.. He was an engineer testing new products and machines. He asked out a woman who refused him and told her friends who mocked him and something made him fall in a vat of chemicals, disforming his face so he covered his deformed face with a mask. He started be asked out by the same women how mocked him..

I could not believe i was watching Cartoon Network and that the character's name was in writing on his door and said freely...

what happened to bugs bunny and daffy duck?

Saturday, June 04, 2005

mary chapin carpenter show

I went to NJ to princeton to see Mary chapin carpenter thursday.. I hit the highway with literary reststops and land of cheap gas, where you can always look for cheaper gas...the lowest i saw was 1.95 a gallon compared to my 2.29 in NYC..

I had to stop a few big boxes and then returned some stuff to the GAP. i bought these three stetch tanks over the weekend and i didnt like the fit..THEN i saw it, Victoria Secrets.. So i bought underwear- high leg briefs... AMY was not there and I could not would not buy the ones with hippy flowers or stripes - just colored underwear.. beige, navy, grey all to taunt AMY..

i went to princeton and found the theater.. Ive been there with Dar on a sunday and remembered it pretty well. Well waiting for Fay, Nancy, and Lori..we had dinner and walked back to the theater... Lori wanted coffee so Fay and I headed in to see some of the opening act... I spoke to the usher about delivering a package to MCC and went to my car to get it..
I couldnt find Fay once i went inside so i sat down and watched Mindy Smith

intermission and back to my seat

the Band hit the stage and then MCC.. some women stood against the stage not able to find their seats.. I bent over to help them .. Chapin held her concentration and sang
"why wouldnt we" Looking down and catching me at" we have heros once...and will again"
Mary Chapin in her hometown was a magical show..

she told stories of Cleveland Place, of visiting Baker rink and her early hours there and dreams of figure skating and of the PB&J production of the King and I ... she

GETTING TO KNOW YOU... as an add on..

about the second song, I saw MB and then she was over to see me with an envelope with my name on and see said "come back after the show" in the envelope were 6 passes. i put em in my pocket.

this show was special.... Chapin was in great voice and the band sounded great.

the set list
why shouldnt we-
passionate kisses
shut up and kiss me
stone in the roads of princeton
Rhythm of the Blues
what would you say to me
I take my chances-
My heaven
Why walk when you can fly
Bright morning star...
the hard way
cant take love for granted
i feel lucky
he thinks hell keep her
Down at the twist and shout....

then the BOSS.... my love will not let you down

Love goes on...

after the show, we found our way backstage, Lori Nancy Fay and finally me with a few words with and from Mary Chapin.. A hug and a request not to sit in the SECOND row..
she has asked me not to sit in the first row, now second.. ill pass on the third..
if i am distracting to her... i wont. MB asked where else she would see me, i said the keswick... lori and nancy said tom's river...but fay and i will be in glenside
see you then chapin, thanks chapin

we had no tom foolery... just all 4 of us watching the show, chewing gum...

i get nervous for her for the first three songs and then calm down...

i will be at the Keswick show on wednesday and in Toms River on saturday and ill be in row 5 and 12 respectively...

i got back in the car, found my way back home after seeing an 18 wheeler on fire ... i called AMY to taunt her about buying underwear and her not buying there.. and i just wanted to pass the time til i got home..

45 minutes to find parking, only to find a spot and have one on my street open up..

Praying to the parking angels does work sometimes...

i went to bed after 230 and had to get up at a conference at fordham university...

see you chapin next week.....

Dimebag Darrell Dead ?

I was listening to CNN when i heard about this guy???
I cant believe that they use his nickname and not full name Darrell Abbott who now will always be known as DIMEBAG DARRELL?

Former Pantera guitarist among 4 killed at club
Police officer shoots suspected gunman to death

Friday, December 10, 2004 Posted: 12:54 AM EST (0554 GMT)

Gunman kills four at Ohio rock concert.

COLUMBUS, Ohio (CNN) -- A 25-year-old man stormed the stage at a heavy-metal rock concert Wednesday night, shooting and killing Pantera founder and Damageplan guitarist "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott and three others before a police officer shot and killed him, Columbus police said.

On Thursday, police identified the suspect as Nathan Gale of nearby Marysville. A spokesman said police had no information about a motive or possible link to the band.

"Right now we don't see any connection at all, but that could change," Columbus police Sgt. Brent Mull said. "Unless he left a note or there's something else, we may never know the motive."

At least two people also were wounded in the attack, which occurred shortly after Damageplan began its performance at the Alrosa Villa nightclub on Columbus' north side.

James Niggemeyer of the Columbus police was nearby and responded to a call about the shooting. He slipped in a back door, and someone directed him to the stage, Mull said.

"We got the call about 10:18, and by 10:20 he was in there," Mull said, adding that "it was probably less than a minute before he engaged" the suspect, who was holding a hostage.

"The officer was able to strategically gun this guy down before he was able to kill his hostage," Mull said. "It appeared he was about to kill his hostage before this officer put an end to it."

Mull said the hostage was unharmed and that Niggemeyer's action saved lives.

"The officer ran in without any backup ... obviously put himself at risk," he said. "The community has a real hero here."

Abbott, 38, and his brother, Vinnie Paul Abbott, 40, formed Damageplan after the breakup of Pantera -- a group they formed in the 1980s. Their father is Jerry Abbott, a country and western songwriter and producer. (Dimebag profile)

Pantera's third release, "Far Beyond Driven," debuted at No. 1 in 1994. The band was nominated for Grammys in 1995 and 2001.

The band dissolved at the end of a tour last year -- amid much speculation on fan Web sites that the split was not amicable. The two brothers, however,

Friday, June 03, 2005

Your Expression Number is 7
Very intelligent, you are usually thinking, introspecting, or analyzing.
You have a good mind, and you are especially good at finding out the truth.
Very little ever escapes your observation and deep understanding.

You tend to obsess over wisdom and hidden truths.
You are likely to become a authority on any subject you undertake.
Operating on a different wavelength, most people don't know you that well.

Very logical and rational, at times you tend to lack emotion.
So much so, that you often have times coping with emotional situations.
You are not very adaptable - you may tend to be overly critical at times.

my dream

i had a dream i was in a marble floored room like a college union or cafeteria and i was there with my friend Deborah ( who is african american and queer) There was a speaker who resembled Nanci Griffth. we were sitting on plastic cafeteria chairs (like the new ones at CMS) and she was talking talking talking and I confronted her and told her that she only wanted to promote her product that she was not conveying the information promised or intended. She kept on talking. and I got louder and told her She was not listening to me.
I then saw Deborah sitting on the chairs behind me

and from the left entered an old man in a white shirt and pants and she headed towards him and I spoke to him and Again i told her she was not listening or delivering the promised product and the man made a feable attempt but did not respond in a way i desired..

he turned around and he had shit his pants. There was a clear spot of defecation on the back of him.. i am not sure if it was on the white shirt back or butt parts of his pants. I pointed it out to the leader and she seemed not to care

I woke but missed the alarm and wanted to get back into my dream.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Horoscope week of June 1st

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): A maintenance worker at a restaurant in Queensland, Australia, took the lazy way out when he found a dead rat while painting the floor red. Rather than disposing of it, he simply covered it with a few thick strokes of his brush. During a subsequent inspection, however, health inspectors weren't fooled by the partial camouflage and levied large fines on the restaurant. You may soon be tempted to try something similar to what the maintenance worker did, Capricorn. I urge you not to. Don't just try to disguise what's stinking up the place; get rid of it

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

my doctor's words

i called my Doctor, Dr Lederman not David Letterman to ask a question? or two?

I informed him that my hot flashes started about 6 weeks ago and i havent had a period since i saw him - Feb- March. I informed him that i could tolerate the flashes during the day and that I had infact tested positive for Epstein Barr and getting up at night is an interference with my sleep.

I told him i was on Estarvan and a host of herbal remedies. He doesnt suggest Estrogen Replacement and its not what i wanted. He will send me brochure on alternatives to take..

he told me he would not give me Provera to jump start my period, like he had in the past because it sounds like MENOPAUSE

i put the phone down and its like those were the dreaded words i didnt want to hear.
MENOPAUSE.. my thoughts are 'im too young"
I am no longer too young, I am 45 years old.

i know not getting a period signifies the end of my child bearing years and mourning not having a child hits me every once in a while, though i wanted a child but the circumstances werent right for me

I am not really ready to do it alone nor would i so i probably will not experience child birth or birthing my child but i have parenting more children than most and get to go home to peace and quiet

its okay that i treat my neices to gifts when it isnt their birthday or celebrate birthdays in threes. These are the children that i can nurture, spoil, hang out with, parent, care for and care about and buy gifts and have sleep overs

i didnt want to hear those words, I THINK its menopause. I have debated about blogging about the lack of period but decided that Its worse not to talk about it...or write about it- it prepetuates the myths that aging and losing my period should not be talked about..

i do wish this started at a later age but i cant control that ... i can just be

moving to NYC- June 1982

his weekend marks my 23rd anniversary of moving to NYC from a small town. i applied to NYU on a whim, a bet, to show off a friend's boyfriend that i could get into his alma mater. I wanted to go to SSW at columbia but applied to NYU too. NYU would take my money and give me a 1 year MSW..i got to live in NYC.
My father was in the hospital with his first heart attack and i called him to tell him i was moving. he helped me move from one apartment MEMORIAL DAY weekend - I graduated Salem State and had 4 days to move from one house to my parents and then to NYC.. sort sort sort and store ... and only the minimum came with me

I called NYU and told em.. i needed housing, I never thought about it til the week before..How stupid was i.. NYU came through with this small share on thompson street two days before i was to go.. I wasnt anxious, just didnt think about it.. It took care of itself and appeared out of no where.. I always think it was just made to be..

My brother in law drove the uhaul and hit the top on the mcdonalds drive in barrier and knocked the cab away from the storage things and by the time we drove in the RAIN all my clothes were wet.. All my stuff were soaked.. I looked at the room and it held 1/4 of my stuff.. i sent the non essentials back with him..
We ate pizza at BENS on thompson and spring, my first night and my roommates let me sleep in the livingroom-

i remember waking up being disoriented and remembering i moved to NY the day before.

I walked the street fair on Sullivan and washed my clothes and started to unpack

Sunday was the TONY awards. to wake up in the city that never sleeps, and know i am in the same city as the Tony Awards. My first Broadway play, Zoe Caldwell playing Lillian Hellman or Kathy Bates in “night mother.. I was amazed, i was in the same city.

Years later i would be on broadway, near the Marriott and i would watch the Celebrities coming and going from the theater and TONY rehersal... they used to let the public in to watch, said one lady, Cameras, CArol channing, Laurence Fishburn, Mathew broderick, carol Burnett all under dressed pretending til they left and got dressed up for the show..

I went to Chase Manhattan with a check on monday to open an account and they needed 10 days for money to clear.. I had little cash and had to stretch it.. It would be a year of poverty, no money for the TIMES OR SUBWAY or to see a movie. I saw ONE ALL YEAR -Sophies Choice and had a panic attack and had to leave.

I had three panic attacks that year, One in the Strand (now the place of my first hot flash- i thought it was a panic attack again)

i used to walk walk walk in larger concentric circles from my home. Towards the empire state was away, toward the WTC was home.. I found christopher street, the east village, midtown, Saw Dizzy Gillepsie in Washington Sq Park.. all my first summer in NYC..

i loved it but was lonely...

i found a job rather quickly, Wednesday that first week on campus and worked as much as i could to get some spare $$$

and my first graduate school class started on June 9th.. the next monday...after i moved... MOve, job and bank account the first week....

blog blog blog

people Blog, like you and i do about things that are important to them or influence their life or allow them to kick back or express what they need to express

I Blog about the Downing Street memo, stem cell research, how i try to not leave children behind, How there are not enough parents for all children to be born..Gays and Lesbians will need to adoptive parents in order to have every child born,

I blog about movies i see, Madagascar most recent and concerts and plays i go to

I blog about my work and I blog about HOW they have cancelled the news lately. and how i stoppped watching CNN because of the "i love Halliburton commericals" i blog that I dont think an up or down vote was honest.. Any vote in a republican house or senate is not a fair vote.
I blog about my cat, my friends and family and i blog about the shows i watch

nanny 911, supernanny, surreal life, wishing my ride would get pimped, and Iron Chef America's Mario Batalli and how i was ashamed of Hells Kitchen and the humiliation of those who try out on American Idol..

i blog about what i am proud of and what i am ashamed of as an american and i blog my favorite song lyrics

i blog because i can and i am

culture of what life???

Catapulting the Propaganda

By Molly Ivins, AlterNet. Posted June 1, 2005.

As a longtime fan of both George Bushes' eccentric grasp of English, I naturally enjoyed this gem from W.: "See, in my line of work, you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." (Bush in Greece, N.Y., May 24, once more explaining his Social Security plan to a town hall meeting of perfectly average citizens -- except they had all been pre-screened to allow only those who agree with him into the hall.)

"Catapulting the propaganda" would explain his performance at the press opportunity that same day at which he appeared surrounded by babies born from frozen embryos. He used the phrase "culture of life" at least 27 dozen times (I think I exaggerate, but maybe not). "The use of federal dollars to destroy life is something I simply do not support," he said to the press the following day.

Meanwhile, back in Baghdad, federal dollars are being used to destroy life at a pretty good clip because Bush decided to wage an entirely elective war against a country that presented little or no threat to us. And according to the Downing Street memo, he damn well knew it, too.

The destruction of life in Iraq is more dramatic than taking a blastocyst smaller than a pinpoint out of a petri dish. The 1,600 American dead so far -- not much culture of life there. The 15,000 wounded, many of them irreparably -- not so good there, either. Estimates of Iraqi civilian deaths are all over the lot: a British medical journal claimed 100,000 last year, the Iraq Body Count website says between 21,000 and 25,000. The U.S./U.N. sanctions are widely believed to have killed hundreds of thousands, most of them babies, even after the Oil for Food Program was instituted.

The New York Times reports that the doctors in Iraq are now being threatened by insurgents and so are fleeing what was a showcase system under Saddam. I think we'd all have to agree, so far there's no progress on bringing a culture of life to Iraq.

What I don't get is the disconnect in Bush's mind. One must assume he figures in Iraq, "You gotta break eggs to make an omelette," or something akin. He said at the photo-op with the adorable children who had been produced from frozen embryos and adopted by other parents, "The children here today remind us that there is no such thing as a spare embryo."

Nonsense. Fertility treatments that help couples to have children leave far too many excess embryos for all of them to be adopted. They are simply discarded by the laboratories, thrown out. What in the world is he talking about?

Seems to me the anti-abortion people are getting as nutty as the gun lobby, which lets cop-killer bullets on the street, wants to allow .50 caliber rifles that can bring down airplanes, and stops efforts to close loopholes that let dealers sell to terrorists and criminals. Plus a bunch of other nutcase stuff that is not only harmful to society, but opposed by the great majority of the American people. Anti-abortion people are even going after the process of judicial bypass for girls who cannot fulfill the parental consent restriction.

Look, 60 percent of the American people are in favor of funding stem cell research. Do we have a First Amendment issue here? Is this the case of a few people imposing their religious views on everybody else? I don't know enough about stem cell research to tell you that it will produce miracle cures for Alzheimer's, Parkinson's and other diseases, as some scientists claim. But it's not only worth a shot, it would be criminal not to do it. The people who are ill are here, now, human beings in terrible suffering.

Bush is prepared to use his first-ever veto. Didn't stop the bankruptcy bill, didn't stop all those tax cuts for the very rich, didn't stop that gross agriculture bill -- but this he will veto. He says we will "cross a critical ethical line by creating new incentives for the ongoing destruction of emerging human life." And he doesn't think starting an unnecessary war was crossing a critical ethical line?

It's the old slippery slope argument. Look, all of law is a process of drawing lines on slippery slopes. The difference between misdemeanor theft and felony theft is one penny. The difference between misdemeanor and felony drug possession is one gram. For that matter, the difference between a pig and a hog is one pound. We're always drawing distinctions, and it is necessary to do so -- hunting rifles, OK; .50 caliber rifles, don't be a fool.

This is a don't-be-a-fool argument. "Culture of life"? Whose life?

Molly Ivins writes about politics, Texas and other bizarre happenings.