Thursday, June 29, 2006

a note to a friend

I have been trying to get a note to you for weeks. You would think that for a woman who has nothing but time on her hands, this would be an easy task. First it was the May full moon that made me think of you. Then I was reminded of your anniversary when i met a couple on their wedding day, walking in the park, in their wedding attire. I worried they would get ruined in the drizzle but they were okay with it, so I had to be too. Happy belated anniversary to you and your husband and the couple in the park.

Today I saw a sliver of a moon through the clouds. I realized that I don’t walk at night at more so I haven’t seen much of the moon. I guess I spend more time in the park during the day. If nothing else, I try to walk there and back each day. I haven’t lost weight, I haven’t gained any if anything I am stiffing my butt incase I get kicked there again… Walking also makes me shower and comb my hair every day or I may not get out of my pjs.

I have been home short of three months already. It’s been an interesting month and a quick one. At months end or Memorial Day, I had a completed application to work with NYC in the Training Academy. Friends tell me it can take 3 months for them to process the application. It is like being in limbo, I don’t know if I have a job and I don’t that I don’t. So all I can do is try to follow up and wait. They have everything they need from me- references and my school evaluations and I have done everything that I could possibly do. My prior employer can make it difficult for me, if they really want do but they can do that for any position that I apply for. I don’t trust them actually, I have good reason not to. I also haven’t stop applying for other jobs because I may not get the Training Academy job. I am sure something will come up at some time but it’s a tightrope that I have to walk. I prefer to the training job and keep telling the city staff that interviews me that I prefer to be placed in the Training Academy. So they recommend me and I wait. I guess the wheels turn slowly.

The wait has caused me to actually try to live in the moment. Usually, I am working two or three jobs and I currently have none. It really has given me a chance to slow things down and find my center. It also has skewed my sense of time. Life is interesting when your sense of time is different. I have sense of the work week and weekends mean that I don’t have to wonder if the phone will ring or not. Mostly, the rejection letters come midweek but personally, I don’t have much sense of time. Just one day to another. There is the day I have to move my car across the street and the day I have to go to weight watchers. Those are my two commitments and to the bank or post office. It’s nice to have the time. I haven’t had a break since undergraduate school so I’m enjoying the time. I don’t miss work or the work I did or even the people. I miss a steady income or my prior income but I am fortunate to have more than I need. I did line up a course for next semester. I had to take a Saturday course so I am teaching Advanced Practice with Individuals on Saturday mornings at 9am in Soho… that would something, not working all week but only Saturday at 9am. I just didn’t want it to interfere. I have also had to learn to be patient. For someone who is always on the run or go, slowing down has been a benefit but releasing being impatient has been a unexpected gift.

I guess, I could go on and on with the things I am learning from this different experience. I have learned that I need at least 8 hours of sleep to feel good. And of course my cat has benefited from my being home and all the attention she gets. Its actually such a gift to be free, if only the anxiety that I have about getting a job will decrease so I can enjoy it thoroughly. It really interesting from a more global to find myself here, after all the places that i have been in my career path...i guess my 20s and 30s were building my career and getting to the pinacle. Once i got to the top, i got to stay there for a while. I did hit a point of emptiness with no where else to go or i thought there was no where else to go. So i went sideways to try something new. That sideways took me to another path and its that new path that i am following but i never expected this unexpected and welcomed break in the middle... i guess i will get to work eventually... or have to get back to work, im just not in any position to retire. its more about the income than anything else right now.

The week of downpour was the worst so far. It was that week that I had to order the Springsteen ticket. I needed a party so I had to set one up. I got bored and depressed being wet all the time. It was an okay dance party and I had to plan another for a friend who turned 30. The amazing thing that some of the greatest things have come to me. The world is really an abundant place. People have called with tickets to events and of course NY has its share of free concerts and movies. There is an entire subculture of denizens that take advantage of these events. They fascinate me more than the movies or concert. People watching is an Olympic sport. I ended up with a pair of liberty tickets so I really have no complaints being home. Living with the uncertainty that I may be back to work any day, has caused me to try to enjoy each one of them and with most of my friends working, I have found a new group to hang out with. My park pals, or at least the ones that I can speak to daily, including the three guys who are drunk by the time I get to see them.

I have this idea of teaching parenting groups or doing some consultant work with those upper west side families who need help structuring their kids. If Supernanny is so popular than there is a need. . I probably can make a ton of money, teaching people what is really common sense if you know standard child develop and not to be guilty about saying no to your kids. I don’t have all that working mom guilt to deal with so I can help get these out of control kids back into control. Its really simple family structuring techniques and I have the credentials and skills to do it.

Fourth of July is around the corner and I am heading up to my parents so I can go to New Bedford for the ten dollar folk festival. They actually shut the town down and there is music on each corner. I have been going up there for the last 4 or 5 years.. I haven’t looked at the schedule but know that Ill catch john gorka. I always like to see him. Before, I see you, I will have seen Dar and Paul Simon.. Someone sent me a falcon ridge ticket so I can stop up there for two days before I head to Philly for MCC . Could I ask for a better July? …. Who knows I may be working by then or I may be still home. I know that I will be where I am meant to be….for sure..

Well this is much longer than I ever intended….. I sure hope you are well and your days are filled with just how you want them to be.