Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Epstein Barr so that is what it is

for the last year, i have not felt well. There are times i feel better than others. but then again, there are times that i am bagged out, feeling like i have the flu, Bone tired like bronchitis and with a pain behind my eyes. In the last few months, the amount of tired has increased. It has started to get in the way of my making plans because i may be too tired to go to manhattan after work. Sometimes, when i make the effort, its worth it... most time i am tired or tired the next day. What is different than my burning the candle at all ends. the idea that I would not do something or have to stay close because i may be tired and feelings that my life is impaired. This month, or February... my usual 5 mile walk is a struggle. I have to push myself to get to the park and not turn around and go home, sometimes i get in a groove and push on and i walk walk walk on... sometimes i cut my walk short and take the bus home...

I noticed the tiredness was happening more frequently and after an 11 lbs weight gain last summer that i cannot get off, i started to look into Yeast connections and then hypothryoid because i have symptoms of both disorder. memory impairment, chronic yeast related infections, spaciness, lack of attention or focus...
some friends asked if i had ADD or whether i was depressed... I didnt think i had a mood disorder so i made my annual appointment with my GYN who listened to my symptoms and asked me to go to my GP for a blood scan and work up

he suggested thyroid, diabetes, lyme disease, epstein barr and anemia
well i called my Gp and went into get a script for blood work and to talk to her. She listened to me and remarked... i probably didnt have any and when ever my weight loss or gain is affected i try to rule out something organic.. I explained this was different.. i am too tired to complain and i feel my life is impaired by the inability to plan recreation or to walk ... something isnt right that i feel sick all the time.. first i thought it was bronchitis which i had but i havent snapped back..

the new food program that i am on is the healthiest that i have eaten. Is based on volumetrics and white refined is out for whole grains, i eat when i am hungry and feast on veggies and fruit( 3 a day limit for me due to sugar senstivity) and protein.. more protein than i have eaten.. baked tofu.. fish... etc i am eating better than i have in years and my blood sugar is stable....i feel good about food...

i went the next day sunday to Kings highway for blood work and waited for hte results. I called my GP who reviewed them and told me all is fine except i tested Postitive for Epstein Barr..
there is no treatment except control stress, eat well, take vitamins, get sleep and take care of myself..

i immediately was relieved I had something organic that had a name.. then i wanted to tell everyone and refrained.. i cant decide besides my boss and family and close friends who to tell...

i know that i have to learn to manage my Epstein Barr.. no more late night or all nighters unless i want to pay the price... no wonder why after exerting myself i am wiped.. the mondays after clearwater or long weekends with no sleep... i am too tired to pick my head up off the pillow...

I began to look on line and know its an automimmune disease with no cure.. you can control it but never remove it.. its like mononucleosis or a virus of sorts..

i refrained from talking about it today but realized in the car home from an adjunct meeting that i will never feel well again.. i may have moments of being rested and feeling well but mostly i have to learn how to live feeling lousy

I am tired all week and worked late night, i am tired to night and went to my adjunct meeting and i feel the pain behind my eyes... I teach tomorrow night and when my wash is done and i have dinner.. i have to go to bed.. Getting up this morning was hard but i could do it..

i parked tuesday and wednesday for alternate side parking in case i cant go to work and i dont have to move my car... that may become part of my routine.. planning for rest.. planning days off... staying over places rather than pulling all nighters and plenty of rest ...

i dont know what it means just yet to have epstein barr... i just know what it means not to feel good....or rested....