call it what you may, call it downsize, rightsize, no size, wrong fit, or whatever. the facts are that i went to work yesterday after a day off and found myself out of a job.
i was asked to pack my office and leave. I was frozen out of my computer and asked to turn in my ITEMS... the office manager came to get the Palm Pilot, credit cards and my court pass and keys. I still have to locate my work ID. i asked for my Assistant Director and informed her where things were in my department. I sent messages to the staff. the Mediation Director came by and he and i chatted about his time being up and how prophetic his words were about how Directors leave CMS. they get left...
so i got left.
i cried and packed and called some people about jobs.
i called some friends to tell them and my friend Dave came over to help me set up my printer, all in one. we cancelled my cable internet and i signed up with Verizon Broadband..
i went for a walk.. i didnt want the noise of my MP3 player so i walked silently in the midnight blue of a spring night. I showered and ate and went to sleep after taking two tylenol.
I got up and without TV or radio or reading hte paper, I filed for unemployment and i started searching for jobs to apply for. I applied for about 20 jobs, full time, and fee for service.
I called FUV and added some volunteer work assignment and Called Tribeca film festival and increased my availability.
I have to control spending and limit expenses and look for work
i have not had a significant vacation in 9 or so years where i am not rushing somewhere or on a hill at falcon ridge or racing behind Dar for a longish weekend..
i am exahausted and have been. GOing to work has been hard. My motivation has been to go to the library or weight watchers. I am sure that my energy has been reflected. I worked hard but not in the direction taht my bosses wanted. I couldnt motivate or move people to do things that they needed to .
I felt so much yesterday, liberation, humiliation, anxious and defeated. I wanted my leaving to be in my control
i have been thinking alot for months if not years, as my friend Dave reminded me about how i was leaving CMS. well CMS left me, after all
i will not look for work in management. I am looking for training, or teaching or supervising positions. I dont want to be the boss... i want to be the one bossed. i have some contracts to call about training..
while in my office, i called a person i know at NYC and asked her if she like assistance in her new Foundation work job.
i know what i dont want to do, i will find what i want to do. I would like to work in program development and policy or teaching and training.
i have only gotten through socialservice. com
if you are reading this then you are a friend and i guess we will go through the process together..
